Showing posts with label courage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label courage. Show all posts

Monday, September 27, 2010

Front-Country Challenged.

"Hi, my name is Marlies and I think I am front-country challenged."

You know, as opposed to feeling at home in the back-country (read also: The Farm, small villages, the woods, the cliffs, being with B).

We used to talk a lot about front- versus backcountry when I still lived my life in the US. But I've never felt the difference as strongly as I do right now.

+++

Am sitting in the train to Stockholm's airport Arlanda. Flying to Köln in Germany tonight for a little businesstrip. It's supposed to last a work week and I am supposed to meet with different potential partners. But goodness am I rusty with all of it!!

Dress code, people paths, train silence, tickets, money, ...


Yesterday this was my world:

We got enough snow to have snow drifts. I love snow drifts.



B and I met 2 bears!!! One is visible on this pic. Hurray!



Rocks. Sky. Snow. Clouds. Simply beautiful.



This is where the hike started and ended. Love the softness.


+++


Today, I am focusing my energy to channel what I found yesterday in a way that I can share it with the agencies that may send youth my way in the future.

Seems logical that mother nature is my go-to-place to gather energy and courage for that... right?

Both powerful and a bit surprising to me how foreign the world I used to be part of feels to me right now.

But hey, challenges are good, right? And to know that I am in the right place to live my life is even better.

Here's to pushing the comfort zone.

"Front-country, come on - let's be friends again!"

(At least for a little while... ;)...).



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Friday, September 10, 2010

In the Moment.

I promised some in-the-moment blogging after having caught you up on my past months' adventures. Funny how life is challenging me further by bringing oh-so-much into my life these days.



Over the past few years I have learned that I have most success in grounding myself by

a) being in nature,

b) taking photos, and

c) enjoying B's presence.



Beautifully, these three coping strategies can be combined... :).


So, I am enjoying them all a lot recently.



Currently I am "in between" being with clients. Accordingly have I taken advantage of the relative calm by moving, nesting in the new environment, taking drawn out mountainbike- and hiking-trips with B every day, picking blueberries, getting a haircut, making scrumptious food, watching movies with a glass of wine for company, buying, putting together and loving my new bed, slowly setting up my personal spaces around The Farm, finishing the process of registring my company, opening a business bank account, organizing bills and paperwork, setting up my winter job, studying Swedish 3 days a week, and connecting with some seemingly sweet souls via online dating (hoping for a first encounter with the sweetest of them this weekend).


Rich days. And after my initial struggle to land my feet after having been on an intense journey with a young man for 52 days have I finally found some moss to plant my feet on.


I've been writing here about my struggles and successses and everything in between for over a year. Interestingly, I have never been this close to actually follow the Sweden To-Do-List. Now, my life actually reflects 1) Learn Swedish, 2) create a home for Buford and I, 3) grow roots. Intentions are my strongest weapon in realizing my dreams.



In the midst of my rather self-centered life (beautifully so) - I get to celebrate movement. Things are for real now. I'm going to travel to Germany at the end of the month to meet up with some people from the company that sends me clients. If all goes well the previous client will join me on my way home and stay with me another 4 weeks before I shift my business into "winter mode" (essentially working 20 hours with a vacation rental place for a full-time salary and skiing tons). Still gotta ponder what adventure we could tackle this time if he happens to come.



But, I have also been contacted by another company that I have been in touch with during the dark winter days last year. When I was grasping for whatever opportunity I could find on the WWW. They wrote that they would love to have me work with a "very troubled girl" of theirs. Apparently they thought of me right away... To me there is a lot of beauty in this. I am given more client opportunities than I can handle a mere three months after starting my business, while not even having advertised what I am doing here! Haven't found the time to even create a web presence cause I am so busy with doing the actually work. I could not have imagined this a year ago... or maybe I did? Am certain that that voice of mine was pretty meak back then...




But now it's strong. And it speaks Swedish a lot. In all kinds of circumstances. And German. And English. And I feel grown, and rich, and strong. Wanna continue with wandering in each direction from my place and find ever more beautiful spots to go with B, and take photographs.



Soon my fire place will be "installed". Cannot wait to spend evenings cuddled up with B in front of it. It's been cold here. Incredible, crisp autumn days. In the morning there is often frost outside. It's crunchy under B's hurrying feet when he seeks a spot to take care of his very personal business first thing in the morning.



The community here is wrapped up in the current moose hunting season. I've had the luck to see a moose a couple of days ago on my way to Swedish class. They continue to amaze me in their stoic beautiful presence. Hope that one didn't get shot.






Thanks for being part of my journey by reading here and sometimes commenting.


Life in Sweden is still a little lonely for me. Lots to decide and ponder all on my own.



But... it's happening. And with mine and B's feet planted a little more sturdily on that Swedish moss does it seem like only a question of time till we're a bit more connected with other humans and their four-leggeds.


Have a wonderful day!


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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Two Years of Furballin'.


Today it is two years since these sweet eyes have found mine for the first time.


I will never forget that moment.


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I had arrived at the Animal Rescue Foundation near Fossil a few minutes prior, full of anticipation. My trip into the beautiful canyon in the Ochocos in Eastern Oregon had one purpose:

Meeting Buford, to find out if I could adopt him.


+++


Taking a dog into my life had been a long time coming. And yet, it came to me as quite a shock when I realized about a year before meeting the rascal that I am... and this may sound weird... old (or, mature? stable? committed? responsible?) enough to finally fulfill this longheld dream of mine. It felt incredibly empowering to shift from "I cannot have a dog due to... school, the house, money, blahblahblaaaah" to... "holy shit, if I am actually serious about this I can make it happen".


That shift is/was hands down one of the key moments in my life.


And it continues... it seems as if I have been stumped in my development somewhere... I often feel as if I have to "ask" someone else if I can go forward with something. Particularly when the "go forward" seems solely for my pleasure; like, for instance, getting a dog.


Turns out that getting Beefy wasn't just for pleasure.


Taking Buford into my life has made me - and continues to make me - a more whole human being.


I laugh more.


I move more.


I am calmer.


I touch more.


I look more closely.


I am more understanding.


I giggle more.


I am more playful.


I relate more.


I feel more at home, wherever I am.


And I take more photos. :)



+++



Back at ARF I met Sandy, who later became a treasured friend of mine. We had been emailing. I had asked her if that clown-like looking dog that I had seen on Petfinder may be a fit for my needs. Meaning if I could take him along on Wilderness Therapy Expeditions. And that I lived in a van (and couldn't provide a fenced backyard, however was going to live a life in and about nature with my future dog). Her response had sounded as if she had waited for someone like me to inquire for Buford. (Which differed greatly from the response I got at the local Humane Society. The people there didn't understand my lifestyle. I also didn't really connect to any of the caged up dogs, bless their hearts.)


Nonetheless, I was nervous.


It felt like such a leap.


Buford wasn't around upon my arrival. But there were tons of other dogs swirling around me.


Sandy told me that Buford was up at the nursery with Jerry. They were about to come back.



+++



Eventually the white van made it's way back to us. Several dogs were running behind it.


My eyes searched for the dorky face I had seen online.


"Will I recognize him?" I wondered.



+++



There! "Buford!" Our eyes met. That split second was it. Sandy later said that Buford and I "velcroed" right away. I didn't know at the time, but felt that something big was happening. When we took a walk with Buford and some other dogs he kept making eye contact with me and staying close.


It felt like coming home right then.


+++



I have felt that way uncountable times in the meanwhile.


To this day I whisper to B on a regular basis: "I cannot believe that I have a dog in my life...".


Even though my life has been crazy over these last two years I feel I have been more grounded than I ever have.


I remember worrying that I couldn't provide B with a life as good as he's had at ARF.


Now I understand that he needed something that he couldn't have had at ARF.



He needed a person the way I needed a dog.



+++




To many more amazing and adventurous years Little One!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Kayaking with the B.

Training on land: check!



Self-portrait: Check!




Cuteness: Check!


Back on safe ground: Check!




Sweet Saturday adventure: Check!


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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Life is full to the brim.


Lovely B and I are experiencing some wonderful days. Yesterday was an example of how effortless life can be at times.


I woke up to the rain pounding on the roof above our bedroom. Every morning looks the same in Buford-and-I-Land: Snuggles and sighs. It couldn't be better. He's a gentleman, too - he seems to adapt his sleeping hours to my needs. And he can be up in a heart beat... no matter if it's 3:14am or 11am! Truly, a wonder dog.


Anyways, yesterday I got up shortly after 7 as I had plans to go look for Inez (runnaway preggo moose) of Mr. Moose's. In the process, I was also going to meet A, a friend of Mr. Moose's. She was going to bring her älghund (moose dog; hunting dog) for support. In other words: This was going to be serious moose tracking business and Beefy needed to stay home.


My awkward feeling walking over to the farm without B on my side was immediately confirmed by Mr. Moose: "Wow, you look like you're missing something! I have never seen you walk somewhere without B on your side...". Oh so true.


A showed up a little while later. We first took one last look inside the fence (without the dog), in case that Inez had unbeknownst to Mr. Moose hang out in the back part of it. During that walk, the remaining moose Isa and Ivan ran, trotted, and walked next to us. Isa currently bullies Ivan (apparently a normal behavior during the pregnancy), which led to some slightly scary moments. A moose that's moving quickly when bullied is not something you want to be too close to. Just saying.


Anyways, we didn't find Inez. As we started on our way back though, Ivan suddenly seemed to have enough of being bullied and decided to start playing with us. Eeeeeeek! At one point he held his stubbles (his horns are growing massively, but are still only about 10 centimeters long at this point) in my direction and seemed to get ready to figure out who of the two of us is stronger. Holy moly! I suddenly didn't wanted to be inside the fence anymore. Mr. Moose directed A and me to always have a tree between Ivan and us... Needless to say: We made it back out fine. But, hello adrenaline! And, hello tree huggers! Good times.


Have I mentioned that it was raining througout this episode?


Next we got the dog to do some tracking. In the process we marched through the forest surrounding the farm, following the cute canine through brush, water-logged areas, over meadows, and the forest. She appeared to smell things once in a while - at one point leading us back to the fence and then barking like crazy at Isa who was intending to walk with us - but all in all wasn't able to bring us Inez back. Mr. Moose has mostly given up on her. He's not excited for the moose hunt to start this year. He calls the three his "kids"...


I returned home to a happy, dry, warm B who looked at my wetness all funny. "Yes, buddy... let me dry up a little... you're next."


The thing is: Mr. Moose had invited us to come along on a canoe trip in the afternoon. Knowing that canoeing is mostly sitting still for B, I wanted to make sure that he got an adequate walk in prior. Which is why I warmed up just a little, then grabbed my next pair of hiking boots, another pair of rain pants and a jacket. Optimisticially I hung all the gear from the morning jaunt. Who knows, maybe some of them will be dry in time for the canoeing trip?


That, obviously was not the case. But thanks to my diligent preparation (read: brainstorming gear and clothing for the 3rd wet outdoor adventure of the day) B and I were ready at 14:00 when Mr. Moose arrived to pick us up for the canoe adventure. We were going to travel with two other (business) friends of Mr. Moose, one of which I already knew.


On the way to the meeting place Mr. Moose suggested to check on a bridge on the Vemhån (our river)... with all the rain in the recent time it seemed to be better to check. Ahem, yup. That bridge could have - you know - decapitated us. We decided to carry the canoes in that section.


I got a little bit more nervous about having B with us for the adventure. Due to the recent precipitation the Vemhån was full to the brim - and.... fast. However, thanks to Mr. Moose's experience on the stretch as well as my own raftguiding past I decided to give it a try. Worst case scenario would have been for B and I to walk out to the road and then to town. Mr. Moose promised to stick with us in case of trouble. "We're in this together. So, we'll stay together no matter what." OK then. Have I ever mentioned that he calls the little one "Liten Gubben" and Pluten (spelling?) all the time? Yup, they get along.


The time on the river ended up being magical. It rained, there was a misty fog over the water, the flora was colorful, and the ride swift. I was positioned in front (meaning Mr. Moose got to do all the hard work) with B in front of me, sitting on a pad. He is such a trooper! Despite being rained on and having a healthy respect of gliding on water he jumped into the canoe on command and sat still while curiously watching the wonderland pass by us. I caught myself whistling and humming in delight.


And then we passed what we later called "The Björk". There were quite a few trees hanging over the water beforehand... and some laying in the river bed. But all in all: Nothing to worry about. "The Björk" was a thick branch that hung horizontally over the river... right in the area where the current was strongest. At first we attempted to paddle away from it; however, upon recognizing that we were not going to clear it to the left, Mr. Moose decided (rightfully so) that we just had to bust into it, head first. Now, "head" of our canoe was B... and I. Instinctively I wrapped my arms around him and bent down in an attempt to safe him from being knocked out of his wits (or the canoe). And, guess what...?! The Björk had to give and it gave by letting us plow right over it. Puahhh...! I was all giggles.


Mr. Moose, B, and I proceeded. At one point I said: "For the record. This is beautiful. We should do this all the time!" And then.. we heard them screaming. Looking back I caught a glimpse of an empty canoe, floating sideways in the river as well as a swimmer near it. The other person seemed to have made it to the landstretch on the other side. Shut! Mr. Moose and I directed our canoe to a safe spot to figure out what to do next... Luckily we were able to see that both swimmers made it to the bank before heading around the next bend - meaning, other than likely being cold (and probably rapidly getting colder) they were safe.


It took us quite a bit of work and lots of wading to get our canoe to actual land. We made it eventually though and headed up the road to find at least the person that we saw ending up on our side of the river. About fifteen minutes later we found him, another 5 minutes later a friend arrived by car. Thanks to cell phones and connections and rational thinking we all got back together (and the wet souls into hot showers) within an hour or so. Pssst: There may or may not have some whiskey flowed in the process.


Once the swimmers were taken care of, Mr. Moose, the called-upon "car friend", Beefy and I returned to where we saw the canoe last. From what we observed we had some hope that it had gotten stuck on a tree... One of the swimmers had his work cell phone in a dry bag that was attached to the canoe - and really wanted it back. He had 250 business numbers safed on the SIM card and was decidedly anxious about the loss.


It turned out that he had unbelievable luck (for the second time if you ask me). The canoe was indeed stuck underneath the tree - unfortunately it had also been bent out of shape due to the forces that kept it there. However, Mr. Moose was able to untie the drybag from it, while tiptoeing on top of it, holding on to some branches of the tree that kept it in place. The called-upon "car friend" secured the canoe and took photos of the rescue. Fun, fun!


We wrapped our rainy day up with quite a bit more whiskey and beer. I made it home around midnight, feeling warm and fuzzy, as well as satisfied with yet another adventurous day Up North.





Monday, February 15, 2010

Post 100: Evaluation Time...!

This is post # 100. (Don't mind the couple of draft posts in my dashboard).

It's time to evaluate how things are going.

(In reality this post is meant to distract me from the pain that I feel/felt in my belly when I learned that I bought a lemon instead of a reliable beautiful car last week). This could have easily become a hate post. But thanks to my optimistic disposition I'll turn it into something else. What...? No idea. Please, stay with me while I find out.

I have lived in Sweden for approximately 6 months now (June and July partially, and then from mid October till now). During this time I have:

- Lived with a family that I didn't know prior.
- Learned a little Swedish.
- Lost a job that I had moved for that I really never even got.
- Got an apartment.
- Let go of an apartment.
- Moved Beefy here.
- Learned that it is INSANE to move to Sweden (some days at least).
- Appreciated the beauty of the forests, lakes, and the sea in Southern Sweden.
- Swam in many lakes and different places in the sea.
- Taken bike trips.
- Taken daily walks with Buford.
- Bought a car.. ahem lemon.
- Visited Up North.
- Returned a car after threatening the shithead who sold it to me. Voodoo anyone?
- Decided to move - Up North.
- Snowboarded once.... what the ...?!?!
- Telemark-skied only on ridiculously flat terrain (lame, inefficient version of x-country skiing).
- Seen one wild moose and fed three tame ones.
- Couch-surfed mucho.
- Made a few very good friends.
- Lost one very good friend (ouch!!).
- Taken hundreds of photos of my rock.
- Had a grand total of 11,000 SEK of income (from Sweden that is)... that's a joke, people... = approximately 1,400 USD... divided onto 6 months... (stomach flutter pain returns).



Yesterday I caught myself thinking "maybe I should leave now"... - cause particularly looking at my "income" makes me cringe... and my luck with apartments, jobs, and cars doesn't help. I also told N & N under tears that I hate "bringing all that badness into their life". That's how I felt. It's not fun. And still... (you can call me crazy now): I'm not giving up. I think there is something waiting for me Up North. Something powerful that will make all this... stuff... worth it. I believe that I am just working my way into the place that I belong. I gotta say though: It would really help my self-confidence and my trust in life to have some sort of success sometimes soon. How can one capable courageous woman continuously be discouraged by the environment? How long does one last? Or better, how long do I last...? And, will it get easier?

I think I'll have to drink that Mirror Pond beer tonight that my friends sent me for Christmas. Not in despair - I almost did that yesterday after learning about the lemon - but in... well.. in a grounding sort of way. I guess I could celebrate 100 blog posts as well as having Beefy and N & N in my life? [In case you haven't noticed, this is your friendly cue to tell me that yes, I should indeed drink a wonderful beer from the Pacific Northwest tonight].

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Wanted.... Me!!!!! :)

Dear Instincts That Guided Me Here:

Life is incredible.
Thank you for showing me a place where I can
do my part to spread what I believe in. I promise I will do
my very best.

I'll keep the Beef happy, too.

Best regards,

Marlies


+++


Yup, that's what it feels like since I arrived "Up North".



+++

There's a sweetness to the struggle I experience as I type this... I don't know where to start... so many loose ends to tuck in. Now the desire to share and describe is tugging... I guess I'll just let it flow and see what happens... :)

Snowmobiling... an odd start for a fan of human-powered adventures. And... I had such a blast yesterday "blasting" my machine through wild lands in Central Sweden... always following the track of Mr. Moose. I remember pondering the term boy-toy... does it even exist? Either way - I sincerely enjoyed getting a grip on a powerful machine, racing through snow, failing momentarily, and mostly just being completely awed by the stark beauty of the landscape that we traveled through... I already knew this and yet it was powerful to experience it up close and personal: The wild landscape that I soon get to call my home is the ideal place for a program utilizing nature as its greatest influence.

Mr. Moose with the machines...

Heart tuggins... That's what the reindeer do to me. They tug on my heartstrings. (Wait, what's a heart string?) I wanna live in a place where I happen across these guys at random several times a day (this time of year that is). Not only because B's body is shaking like an aspen leaf in a strong breeze, but also because they sweetly remind me that the world still holds a lot of magic. (Yes, I'll turn in a total cheese ball up here, that much is clear!).

Heartstrings tugger.


Ivan, Inez, and Isa. This sweet little crew is killing me. They're gorgeous, gentle, and inspiring creatures that love human company. And no, not exclusively so when one approaches with bananas or twigs (although they surely love those moments). They actually join you on walks along their fence!! Visualize: Mr. Moose, Yours Truly, Rheuben (Mr. M's huge Rhodesian Ridgeback), and Beefy walking the fence on the outside.... with Inez, Isa, and Ivan frolicking along inside. It's a rush and a blessing at the same time. Once Ivan looses his antlers one can do the same inside the fence... Once I am back here I'll spend some quality time taking real good pics of them. This time around even I was too mesmerized to take the time in doing so. Can you believe it?


While that's all exciting... here's the real stuff:

I've had the pleasure of brainstorming and networking at Mr. Moose's side for the past week. Doing so I have enjoyed incredible views, inspiring conversations, and meeting wonderful people. As of right now I am committed to do the following:

Move Up North as pronto as I can (I'll keep calling it that despite Sveg being in Central Sweden... after all it's part of Norrland... and everything North of Stockholm is considered North by any Swede).

Create a livable scenario for Buford and I for the time between now and approximately May. (* see exciting opportunities below)

Start my own business on a small scale by May. Yup, you heard it right... I am finally going to let go of the chicken that I continue to house somewhere within me and do what I do best... Stop Waiting. I got a whole community standing behind me, funding just waiting for me, and youth with desperate needs.


* Now that I am invigorated with change and hope and excitement... my creativity is flowing over. This week I had several dialogues with important community members who are eager to support me in setting up my new life up here. A couple of days ago I met a guy who's responsible to give funds to desirable business ventures who basically told me that with my kinds of skills and ideas I'll get a 30,000 USD starter donation as soon as May 2010!!! Yesterday evening I met the responsible person of the social health sector (responsible for people struggling with addictions). We clicked and she gave me a big "thumbs up" for proceeding with my plan to create a temporary home for youth. She will inquire with the people in power if the community will pay me for doing mentoring work with youth between now and May. The idea here is to get me started in earning trust within the greater community, helping youth as soon as possible (there is NOTHING for them in place.. NOTHING!!), and getting me a little island to stand on. If this works out I would be hired for a 3-month period to meet 1:1 with maybe 6 youth on a regular basis to do anything from drinking coffee to going out backpacking (according to the youths interests and needs). Obviously that would also allow me access to much needed Swedish courses and getting a more thorough understanding of the place and its opportunities and challenges. All-the-while I could focus on applying for funds for my business to be... figure out location, business-y stuff, etc.

Today, feeling quite elated after last night... I searched the net some in regards to other initial opportunities for me and found in the process that this community is basically screaming for people like me to move here. They have free business courses for people up to 35 years old... and highlight that they are particularly interested in female entrepreneurs. When checking the local Arbetsformedlingen homepage, I found that there is a project going that entices people from the EU to move here. As a German passport holder, I fall into that category as well which makes me highly desirable for the area. (Which is were I got the brain fart of creating a Wanted Sign for this blogpost... - aka: Having a dog that needs walks and too much brain juices being activated).

Being the Go Getter I currently I am, I immediately went to the Arbetsformedlingen to set up an appointment. Sounds like those guys may even give me funds to keep alive between now and then. Crazy, huh? The thing is... all of Sweden is generally set up the same way. But when I attempted to take all the steps I am currently taking here back in the south... they only had frustrating results because the area is overflowing with all kinds of immigrants and the professional environment is significantly less suited for my kinds of skills. Hence, not moving here would be suicidal. Well,... you're getting my point, right?

So, Beefy and I are shifting back to Go Getter Style living.

We're stoked.. and we will do our best to keep you posted on our progress.

Love,

Me and B



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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Still no Moose Pics....! But there may be a Billion in the Future.

First, a couple of impressions of "Up North". Then, some news that still scare the @#$bleep%^& out of me.


A street in Sveg... not all of it is this idyllic, but it's there.

River Ljusnan... funny thing for Bendites: Sveg actually means "sway" or "bend" in the river...


Cars are getting juju to be able to start as desired by the owner.

The cottage that B and I call home this week.


Yes, that cloudy-looking shape is a mountain... 'nuff said.


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And here it comes:


B and I are going to move here.

More later...

Gotta cure a cold and snowmobile some.


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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Speechless.

The last 24 hours were some of the most nurturing for my soul in my life.

It's one of those moments where I re-track choices I have made over the last weeks, months, and years, and wonder if I possibly may have known all along where they were gonna lead me... - here and now.

I am totally blown away.

I wanna connect with people and share. Wanna call someone up (ha! the phone rang the very second I wrote this... it was my landlord though, whom I had told about the weapon - so no child is going to find it and injure him/herself or someone else... - not to speak of the fact that Paradise is right next to a prison!! - but of course I couldn't utilize that contact to share what's happening here and now) to dissect what I saw and felt today... so I can see and feel it again, from a new angle.

So, what is it that rocks my world...?

- I got to touch moose today... and feed them bananas.
- I was driven around a magical landscape that is decorated with crystals...
- I saw Swedish mountains...
- I got to watch a frickin' reindeer herd right outside the car (B shook like an addict during withdrawal when I made him aware of the beauty, ha!).
- I felt and heard snow krack and crumble under my feet (it's -25 degrees here).
- I saw the most beautiful sky turn all kinds of colors.
- I am offered to start my own business in the midst of this - actual - paradise... where everything that's needed is present.

All I have to do... is stop waiting.

Stop Waiting is the title of an essay of mine that has been published a few years ago. I'll share it here to help me with my speechlessness, as well as to kick the nay-sayer within myself in the butt... hard.

That's all for now. I gotta do some savoring... Over & Out.

+++


Stop Waiting

Nobody and nothing will keep me from experiencing happiness and success. Yet my vision of completeness is not described by the presence of the two. I feel an equal need to touch sadness and failure to learn about my truth. To move towards it is beautifully simple: I just have to stop waiting.

I was waiting until I was twenty-one, and I did not even know it. Sure, I had a life, some ups and downs, good days and not so treasured ones. What I did not have at the time was my own dream, a goal to aspire to that held true meaning to me. My aspirations were the result of my environment's filters, marked by seemingly insurmountable walls on both sides, leaving me a path that started out relatively narrow; widening proportionally with time. I did not question its limitations. Conditional dreaming.

Then I met this kid. He was only nineteen at the time. He dreamed bigger than I. His destination was the world. His options the universe. He asked me to come along. I could not. For I had waited to dream fully, and was not able to take steps towards realization. He sparked a fire within me. I carefully started to stretch my horizon. Engaged in conversations with strangers. Walked to unknown places. Allowed myself to fall into a deep sea of inspiration. Guided by nature, people, and my inner voice. A dream evolved.

Seven years later I walk outside the boundaries of my earlier years. My destination is reshaping daily; it is being bent, stretched, squashed, and keeps unfolding. I invite transformation into my life. And I trust my inner voice whether to stop, look back, take a breather, or blissfully leap forward.

Now is the time to stop waiting again. I have become comfortable dreaming and nurturing my vision. I can remove my safety blanket now and step out into the open. I am willing to hold on to the hands that are being offered in support. Ready to reconnect with the environment I previously pushed away. For my vision is to break down the limitations. I am hungry to see more shining eyes. Hear fewer sighs of despair. Encounter more laughter, and more tears. I want to stand into the center of the fire with the hurt ones, the discouraged, the strugglers. Sense and tolerate their fear, anger, and insecurity. So they can make choices whether to hold on or let go. And maybe find that their boundaries are as much a result of perception as mine were. So we can experience more than conditional freedom. I have a plan on how to get us there.

All I have to do is to stop waiting.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Snow for the Soul.

My feelings are bubbling... my heart jumping... happiness is flooding through my body.

Sweden has become winter wonderland. Here a few impressions of Beefy and I in the midst of it during a snowshoe trip with N & N yesterday. (All photos either by N... or N).

Getting ready to get the goods out :)
Soup, coffee, home-made bread, cheese, and hard candy.

Someone is ready for treats. And hey - no smack-talking about that jacket. That's how we roll in winter. What other dog has taken 21-day wilderness expeditions in all seasons?


It's good to be puffed up :)



This photo was taken when Beefy and I sang Christmas carols. He's bass and I am soprano (or something like that).

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Other than goofing around and enjoying the winter wonderland I am also breaking some ground with my Sweden future. A couple of days ago I spent around 5 hours (!!) re-working my resume. It's taken me a while to get into the zone but I was finally able to really get into it... and enjoy that process and celebrate my skills and experiences on a "piece of paper". Now I am translating it from English to German while N translates it into Swedish. He's helped me to create the most amazing Swedish letter for the refugee job that I have to apply for today via email. Deadline is midnight... If I don't get an interview with those guys I don't understand the world... The letter and resume are f-cking incredible!! I am PROUD.

I also courageously called the moose guy today as I started to feel a bit antsy and even a little pissed about what I perceived to be him morphing into a typical Swede (meaning that they talk a lot of nice things but don't friggin follow through with anything - cause he had yet to let me know when and where we were going to meet tomorrow). And, hello! things moved around very positively once again: Our interaction turned out to be very pleasant (I had prepared a rather tough rant ensuring that he gets that I am not here to waste my time or to be given pity-services). So, now I am very excited to meet him in Stockholm tomorrow where I'll hopefully also take some sweet shots of the snowy Christmas scene in our capital. He actually got active right after we talked and called up one of his friends to net-work for me... we ended up chatting quite a bit during Beefy and I's walk today. Nice. I liked the positive energy and am definitively connecting with yet another yay-sayer! :)

Before I forget: N and N and B and I also visited Yxbacken yesterday. I wanted to ensure that I had been to my potential winter job location prior to my interview on Tuesday (which, BTW: could I please get a place and time for that one, Swedes?!). The place actually surprised me with its steepness and the seriousness of its 3 slopes (counting the bunny hill slope). I kinda like the idea of working there and creating a family feel snow community on the outskirts of a city. While it won't be "wild" and "pristine" in the usual sense I believe that we could reach many by making active winter wonderland enjoyable for all. Better harass the people in charge with a phone call as well to ensure that I'll have lunch with them on Tuesday!

Aie, aie, aie.... Marlies, the harasser! ----------- I kinda like it. :) Seems to work.

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Courage.

Obviously yesterday's skinny-dipping post wasn't just about being crazy and loving life. Of course it was that, and... it was more.

It was me tapping into my courage. I need tons of that right now.

As I shift my focus from "finding opportunities" to "pursuing opportunities", courage is the single most important ingredient.

With yesterday's cold plunge still in my memory, I engaged in a bunch of courageous acts today (this time without even taking my shirt off ;)...):

I called the lady that's in charge of the hiring for the future teenage refugee home job... and felt like a complete dork (mostly related to language issues - but she definitively encouraged my application. Note to self: Must absolutely kick ass with that application!!).

I also checked in with the moose guy (haven't heard from him for a little to long... and hello! got an immediate reward by receiving an answer within the half hour and now have lunch plans in Stockholm to discuss what he calls "several opportunities for me" on December 21st... mm-mh courage!).

A few minutes ago I emailed the Tiniest Ski Hill Ever to remind the guy in charge that he really wanted to meet me, or didn't he?

And last but not least: I cut Beefy's claws (now this is embarrassing but since I got him back after our time apart in summer I really struggled with that task. Kind of like a phobia... but I am getting better and am cutting small little nibbles off of him almost every day. Today we had a longer snuggle session that included his getting a manicure that actually shows a little... - hey, YOU!, before calling the animal rights organization know that his claws are still OK... it's mostly in my head. Weirdo? Yup, naturally).

Ahhh.... these are the exact kinds of things that make me sink into bed happily at night. What about you, are you going to be courageous today?