Back on Track.

Here I am again. Had to go undercover a little bit to swallow all the stuff that I have brought into my life. You know, traveling to the States and Belize in less than two weeks, setting up hemforsakring och reseforsakring, planning a stay with a troubled kid in a country I know nothing about (knew nothing about - now I am a pro), having conversations about my future business, my Swedish future, figuring out how to pay bills in the meanwhile, connecting with friends so they're ready to hug me, AND.... getting to grips with having just created an upcoming 5 week separation from my rock! That last one right there, kill(ed)s me. I didn't quite get my level of overwhelmd-ness though. So I found myself working last weekend... and then spending most of Monday and Tuesday reading a blog obsessively (www.crazyauntpurl.com) and playing a game on my phone even more obsessively (JewelQuest2). As well as the essentials of course.... walking B, visiting the moose, making yummy food, realizing my car isn't about to break (but it doesn't like to be mis-shifted into first gear instead of third when accelerating.... ups! - I was worried for several days until I acknowledged my mistake to myself - go figure). Anyways... whenever I looked at B, he looked sad to me. Winced even, sometimes. And the guilt about choosing to go abroad almost killed me. And the feeling of having little control over the matter (I need money, and, how can I say NO to one of the coolest, most adventurous job options ever, anyways?).

Luckily I got help. On Tuesday evening. From... who would have guessed?.... not one dog... but many. I saw a handwritten sign at the ICA (common grocery store in Sweden) saying the following:

Polardistans.
Hundspannstävling kommer att gå förbi
Värdshuset i Lillhärdal 9-11/3.
Första spann väntas in ca 21:00 den 9/3.
Förarna kör 30 mil.
Välkomna at titta.

That, right there, was my savior. For those of you who didn't do your Swedish homework... A polar distance (apparently 300km - have you heard of the "Swedish Mile" by the way? Multiply with 10 and you have kilometers.... Silly Swedes!) dogsledding race was going to come by a village nearby and people were invited to go check it out. I set up a field trip with the Beefster right away.

And on that trip... which ended up being a 60 km (6 Swedish Mile) trip in (T)rusty and a 6 km (.6 Swedish Mile... you got the gist of it?) hike through glorious landscape for B and I... I remembered to be present at the moment, to do the best I can, and to trust life a little bit more than I sometimes do.

I also was able to acknowledge that I am scared s%^&*less that something may happen to B in my absence (= single biggest fear on my horizon). And I decided to counter that fear by enjoying each day I have with him now. And to ensure my friends N&N know and understand his flaws (flaws? B? his mama? he!) and are able to counteract them as necessary.

So, I feel better now. I am not happy about the leaving B part by any means and I'm probably going to cry thick crocodile tears on the 23rd of March... but we will be OK.

Talking about crocodiles... they have them in Belize. Amongst jaguars, avocado trees, mango trees, boa constrictors, loggerhead turtles, parakeets, red-eyed tree frogs, cashew trees, and some other inhabitants. So, basically I have yet another "Trip of a Lifetime" ahead of me and I am whining about the fact that I love my dog so much that I don't want to leave him. How lucky am I, really?

So, don't hate, I am coming to grips with it all by myself. With the help of a blog, a new phone (that has an amazing camera inside its sleek self), and a few dogs.

OK, gotta go and create yet another unforgettable walk with B...

Lim(b)o.

I've been hiding.

I'm trying to stop that. It's not helpful.

I don't really know what's going on... here's the objective (ha! whom am I kidding??) update:

Car: I'm in contact with a guy who will likely sell me his Volvo 245. I've test-driven it... I've overcome my reservations about some rust, and I love it's classy style. I also love that every Swede who hears about my intention of buying it says something like this: "... a Volvo? You're going to have NO problem getting it fixed for cheap if necessary"... or... "a Volvo? It's the most reliable vehicle you can get! Go for it!"... or... "some rust? Hey, that's normal... but the engine will run FOREVER!". So, now the seller just needs to get his shit together and fix the stuff he said he was gonna and.... let go of my car. He's a human though who has his dad in the ICU due to a stroke and as a result is insanely busy and keeps postponing the deal. Cannot wait to get started on cleaning it out and readying it for the trip Up North! (Well, at least I cannot wait to lay my hands onto my hopefully-soon-acquired freedom-bil!!).

House: I keep hearing funny stuff about my future house. Like, apparently there is a motorcycle in the bathtub... or was it a shower? Anywho, it sounds like I will get to put some work in "making it mine" (=cleaning and cozying it up). But that's the funnest part anyways, no? I totally daydream about arriving up there... and becoming a part of a comedy of sorts. What I envision is me arriving and there being no... driveway... cause as a house-renter one probably has to do ones own shoveling and stuff, huh? Particularly if there isn't another house on the road (which is very likely). Next up, burying a way into the house and then checking if there is any wood and/or electricity. Mr. Moose actually told me that he was going to have people clean it up a bit and put lights and carpets in (am not a carpet fan but am letting them do what they want... I can always move stuff, right? There may be a good reason for carpet...). He also offered to make a snowmobile track between our houses so that Beefy and I can go visit the moose without troubles.... is this his way of telling me that I am now moose responsible?? OK with me. So, long story short: I think it will be fun to make it there and start to figure these things out... and still, something is keeping me stalling instead of shoving me towards the leap...

Job: In the meanwhile I have attempted to make some connections Up There... turns out that I really need to be there to make any movement. But I have sent an email to some role models of mine that are looking for a co-editor for a book in International Adventure Therapy. I didn't really apply... mostly just let them know that I exist. Cause, you know... I would die to be part of a community that develops this field internationally. Would be nice to not be so isolated in that task. By the way, Yxbacken and the refugee application have been quite the disappointment. I never even heard back of the refugee place (which is truly shocking to me) and have gotten really lame interactions from Yxbacken. Thinking about that stuff I am getting really eager to leap.
I'm also going to be on German TV in a good week. Prime-time Wednesday evenings for quite a few weeks. Kinda crazy... I am going back and forth being really excited about it and scared shitless.
Overall I can say that I am feeling encouraged in my decision to move closer into the wild. A large part of me is needing that kind of environment and I am getting positive signals from all over about the move. I really just need to do it, huh?

Friends: I've been thinking a lot about friends recently. I have lost friends before... and it just happened again. In part due to my decision making. I hate it when it feels as if I cannot offer myself integrity and keep friends. I guess with healthy friends it should be possible. Sorry to be somewhat cryptic, but I don't know how to do it better. Fact is that I have few people in my Swedish environment that I consider friends, which, on occasion leads to me feeling lonely. You cannot imagine how much I long to have a catch up with a friend that I have known more than a few months. I long to "let go" of my burden of being here the way I am. Moving away from the South hurts a bit cause I have found a few people here that are important to me or are in the process of getting there. Obviously there are more where I am headed. I guess I just wanna acknowledge that my adventures have tough sides to them as well.

Dating: I'm dating Swedes. Yup, that's right... Swedes... not "a Swede". I'm finally "getting out there". And it's surprisingly easy, and fun, and empowering. Love how it shifts my attention from being hilariously professional 24/7 to being more playful. Plus I have never really been one to date and play. Now I am. Kinda overnight (no pun intended here ;)...). It's totally beneficial cause I get to connect with different people and learn about my new country. And it's much more fun when ONE date doesn't mean either heaven or hell. Pssst! ... am still in contact with Sweet Shoulders by the way. He's the sweetest so far. Kinda wish the future distance was smaller.

Buford: B is the best. I cannot even fathom to do this by myself. (This = everything). He's my anchor, my tickle, my sun, my breeze, my laughter, my soul, my tears... Bringing him into my life continues to be the single best thing I have done. Period. It will feel awesome to conquer the world with him in our freedom-bil. We're both tired today... took a 11 km walk earlier. It was glorious.

Now.... could I please get my car and move on?

I think that would help.

* Shitballz! *

I know, I know. Shitballz isn't that nice of a post title. But, what can I say... it's my word of the day. I've been hearing it inside my head ever since I got woken up by a phone call this morning. Shitballz.. shitballz! .... Shitballz. Like a bad song that I cannot get out of my head. And due to my - at least today - lacking coping skills I can simply not come up with another post title. Shitballz... Even now... hours after having diverted a major disaster the word keeps haunting me eerily. Shitballz. Ouch.

It's been a tough day. (He! You wouldn't have imagined when reading that intro, huh?).

The cold who's butt I meant to kick a week ago has returned full force. My body feels like it should be resting (or be caressed ;)...) but instead it has to function. Cause I am moving all my crap single-handedly out of Paradise. And I have 48 hours left. And I have nowhere to go. [Well, I am going to stop for a little at N & N's, but then...? However, I cannot have a cold there... N cannot be around sick people...] Arrrgh!

On days like these it feels particularly disheartening that I am not even sure how and if I'll create an income for myself Up North. After all I happen to be... eh... kinda in mid-leap! *Shitballz!*

The weather has also decided to add some tickle to my day by being intense. Southern Sweden is at warning level 1 in regards to snow. Parts of Sweden are at level 2. Snow is falling like crazy. The good thing about this is that Beefy makes me laugh when he swim/flies through the fluffiness. The bummer came this morning when the folks from Myrorna called to tell me that they couldn't come and pick up my couch, couch seats, TV, DVD player, two tables, and chair. Cause the weather was too crazy. Could they come in a week? ------------ NOOOOO!! I gotta be out of the apartment by Sunday. It's Thursday. I don't even have a car much less a vehicle/trailer that could get the crap elsewhere (and how does ONE Marlies move the stuff out of the apartment?). [This may have been when shitballz made it's way into my life]. They said they were gonna call back. Yuck!

The other problem was that I didn't know if the couches (who I had taken off my neighbors hands only a couple months ago) were 'good enough' to be donated. Aie!

I'll spare you the details... they ended up coming anyways, loved all the stuff, and took it with them. The relief I felt cannot be put in words. I took a picture...:


Donating stuff has never felt so good.

Still, the stress-filled morning makes me once again painfully aware of how intense my adventure is. When all the doubts and fears creep in, I can barely handle it. I feel very lonely at those times.

Today I had to give myself a few minutes of Beefy hugging and letting the tears flow. That helped. [Just now he got himself comfy near my feet, resting his head on my right foot -- aww.]

Can things please get a bit easier sometimes soon?

And can people I send emails or call please return them? [I am talking about business stuff here, so, please, no friend feel offended. Without you I would only be half the person I am.]

Sweet Shoulders is shredding couloirs in Val d'Isere. That makes me smile a little.

+++

I captured beauty though recently. As always, nature is incredibly stable and nurturing and hope-inducing for me.

B & I can now walk on what I skinny-dipped in only a little while ago.

Best canine companion... ever.

OK, one last time: *Shitballz!!!*

That may have done it.

Take care!

Add Risk & Adventure... Get Creativity & Life Juice.

I absolutely love Google Maps. I've always loved maps. So when I realized that Google Maps allows me to have a close look at whatever section of the globe I want, I was hooked. I use it all the time. For one, I am basically stalking my new home (4 days till November 1!!). Additionally I have started to come up with ever-new dog walk options by perusing Google Maps. Brilliant! That way I can find new places to go check out knowing ahead of time whether there will be lots of traffic, ground coverage, views, etc. I have found one of my now favorite walks that way. At the time I was simply looking for a way to walk 'south of here'. Somehow it seemed important to me that I know a hike in each of the four directions from here. 'South of here' is a fun one... We've gone there four times including today. Today was the first day we got to enjoy a blue sky. Good stuff!

Making it to the 'place where B gets his leash taken off' I did not plan anything special for today. Just felt good without a jacket (but a cozy sweater, beanie and gloves) in the crisp and beautiful fall air. There is still some mud remaining, but the ground has become firmer, a result of both the recent lack of precipitation and the drop in temperature. It is now freezing at night.

Wandering along the dirt road I stopped to appreciate these trees, rooted so firmly in the ground. I am in awe about the diversity I experience here... the earthy ground - jord in Swedish - seems incredibly rich and home to a great variety of species per square meter. When I step onto her (in German earth/dirt is female and I like it that way) it's soft and squishy. It's more like stepping into her. Feels grounding to me. I can't help but wonder what Buford learns when he sticks his nose deeply inside these mossy rocks and leafs. Maybe tomorrow I'll do a bit more smelling and sniffling, too. Smell and sniffle like nobody's watching...

Anyways, for the first time today, I noticed that there were white markers on some trees bracing the dirt road, guiding those who are eager to explore the woods up close and personal. I
felt eager today and surprised myself a little. It's not like I
never go the adventurous route (most my hikes on Ramunderberget I follow signs whose destination I don't know); but, I went a step farther and actually got myself lost by design today. I kinda have this wild fantasy of being dropped somewhere in the woods - ideally by jumping from an airplane (hey, it's a fantasy, I get to make it full on) - and then given the task to find my way home. No idea why that appears so magical to me, but it does. So today, when I found that there isn't just one trail with white markers but a whole net I decided to not play it safe but actually play a little. While I got myself lost I realized that I had just taken an important step in my journey here in Sweden: I am adding risk & adventure to my life! Now I am not trying to say that the 20 minutes out of our 2 hour walk that we were 'lost' were that dangerous... but the sheer fact that I wanted to get more deeply into an explorer mode and wanted to really look around and find my way offers me a sense of relief. I still have it in me!

My whole life seems to revolve around finding the right dose of engaging in and with adventurous and risky experiences. Growing up I considered myself a chicken. Nothing against chickens, maybe they're actually no scardy-butts? Either way, I always felt shy, and hesitant. No matter whether I dealt with people or activities, I was always on the timid side. And judged myself for it. Harshly. And pushed myself. All the f-in time. Still do it. One difference though...: When I was a teen I worked super hard to improve my weakest areas. I seemed to believe that only improvements of my areas that "sucked" deserved attention. I thought I sucked at Geography and Sports. Which is why I fought for and got a highly desired apprenticeship placement in a travel agency and later became a snowboard guide and then a raft guide and then... a wilderness therapy guide. However, somewhere along the road something has changed. Because today, and during most of my time working in the field of wilderness therapy, I actually did not suck at it and actually felt right at home. And I learn(ed) for it to be OK to enjoy something. And that there isn't a need to always find other parts of oneself that suck. And that there is beauty in acceptance and joy in spending time in areas of non-suckage. Ahhh, personal growth.

Anyways, despite not being masochistically driven when working in the field of wilderness therapy (I think), I sought out encounters loaded with risk and adventure all the time. Basically every day. Life was full of it. I love the fast pace of the job. The learning that happens at all hours of the day. The sense of urgency, of feeling needed, and with it, the growing competence in creating safe places. First for others... later also for myself. [awwww, Buford just cuddled against my leg and is now resting with his warm body cradled against me.... telepathy? being a dog? sweetness.]. I am still working on giving myself the time, space, and activities that I need. That appears significantly harder than providing it for others.

What I know for me though is that it's worth adding some risk and adventure. Because at the right dose it sparks my creativity, which in turn fuels me with life juice. You know, that energy that tastes kinda like that lightly chilled 100% grapefruit juice I got addicted to while working with the German Project in the US these past months. Refreshing, tart, juicy. Like a lightning bolt!

Today, my excursion off-the-beaten-path led to thoughts of appreciation about my shift (between continents and now towards adventure), my recognition of it, as well as the desire to capture Buford in all his beauty. He was ready, too. Posed like a superstar! Or, shall I say: a lady? Do I have to point out his hind leg position (rather typical for my rascal)? While I gotta say that I was in quite a blissful mindset, he ensured that I wasn't going to start floating. (By making the face below... and) by running kinda close to a tractor. An active tractor. Meaning it was plowing the dirt. Or something like that. But being Buford he listened to my whistling. Turned right back for me.

I looked over to the tractor cab. I only saw the silhouette of the operating farmer. Kind of expected to feel distanced. The way I often feel when meeting folks out on walks.

But, hey, this one was different.



He waved... :D