Beautiful Belize.

Made it back to Montana a few days ago. Belize treated us wonderfully, offering many opportunity for the kid to learn that there indeed is another way to solving difficulties than pulling out the briefcase. We met inspiring individuals, took in beautiful views, and chased - somewhat unsuccessfully - the elusive wildlife.

Here some impressions:

The hanging bridge in Belize city.

My favorite shot. Dog in Placencia.

These are the kinds of views that make me happy. Porch in Placencia.

Morning shot - Placencia's beach.

Catch of the day. Placencia Point.





Loving the simple stuff. Laundry in Mango Creek.





Tigerfern Falls. In the Jaguar Reserve.

View over San Ignacio.

Market in San Ignacio.

Have I mentioned that I am working as I float? Waterhole near Macai River.

Our home at the Jaguar Reserve.

+++

Needless to say: It all went well, we made it back into the States, and... Belize is beautiful.

The first part of my gig will end tomorrow.

Then, I'm off to Oregon by Amtrak overnight, off to a whirlwind of seeing friends...

It's promising to be great:

Overnight to Portland.

Meet up with my friend A. who's spontaneously decided to fly in from Colorado.

Meet up with one to two other friends, one of which will let me borrow her VW Camper Van.

Off to Bend.

Bend.

Bend.

Bend.

Back to Portland.

Overnight to Whitefish.

Off into Glacier NP for a backpacking adventure with a new client.

Life? Is good.

Hugs!

Wow.

So, I am sitting in the tåg between Norrköping and Stockholm Arlanda, where I will sleep in the Jumbohostel tonight in anticipation of my insanely early departure to the States tomorrow. I am typing this on a new notebook that I got from Mr. Moose who has been very generous with setting me up with stuff that he didn't need (phone, laptop, mobile internet) and I did/do. Yup, I have had some things fall into my lap recently. I don't mind.



I have been busy preparing these last few days, as well as enjoying the last few days at home with the B. We said goodbye about an hour ago... N brought him along to the bus stop, so that he would see me leave - versus me leaving the house and him waiting for me to come back for five weeks. Who knows if it makes a difference? I gave him a last kiss on the head, told him to be good and then N walked him off. He walked with her... all grown up and cute. Then turned around to look back. I'll remember his cute face seeking mine... but then - seemingly reassured - trotting on with her. We had an awesome half hour cuddle session on the couch during our last hour together. I am so lucky to have him, and to have such wonderful care takers while I am out adventuring.



That's what I am doing now. Full-time. I am excited about what's to come... and blown away that I brought all these adventures into my life. Even though my future is not secured yet (is that ever the case anyways?), I feel blessed with all the doors that have opened themselves to me over the past weeks and months. And, you know, who gets to go adventure travel all over the world with clients? It's kind of funny how (particularly for the Belize trip) it's almost as if my professions from over the years merged. I used to be a travel agent/specialist for Central America and Latin America. Then the guiding, and the work with troubled youth. Take all that - and you have my current gig. I am also very excited for the time in Montana on the Ranch and in the wild. It's really a dream come true.



Another really positive aspect of all this is that I will get to see, well, live, what it's like to have troubled kids living with me. I am still hoping to create something similar to what I will see over the next 5 weeks on my own in Sweden. But first when I'll come home (I'm so proud to call Sverige my home) Mr. Moose and I will start a temporary program on the moose farm. We are planning to take in four individuals at a time, aged 18-25, whom we will support in their struggle with addiction by providing them with a structured environment and activites in and around the farm, focusing on the outdoors, community involvement, and 12-step program components. I am really psyched and excited to have such an adventure wait for me while I am out adventuring to pass the time.



Driving across half of Sweden yesterday (to bring B from Sveg to Söderköping) I saw yet again more of my beautiful country. It is stunning here, in a subtle, rough way that I cannot get enough of. I am intensely curious to see Up North without the snow cover that I know it with and cannot wait to meet some of the 1500 bear that live in Jämtland. There are also Myskoxen (a small version of a Bison that only exists in the area) and of course moose and other creatures. One of my likely obsessions-to-be will be the lake/river system that we live on. From my house it's about a 30 minute walk down to the lake (I am so planning on setting up the Kurt Hahn routine of having the clients, B, and I, do a daily early morning dip). The lake extends into Ljusnan River, which will allow us to canoe days and days and days... There are tons of islands on the lake and with that endless exploration opportunities, camp outs, solos, you name it. It's my kind of playground.



And sometimes, Mr. Moose pulls out the maps from Really Up North, where all the names are impossible for me to pronounce, cause they are written in Sami. It feels as if it's sacred up there.. and if I wasn't on this crazy journey of my own right now I would have gone along with Mr. Moose who is snowmobiling up there as I type this to meet up with an athlete who is skiing on Kungsleden (King's Trail), a 400 km long trail that supposedly connects some of Sweden's most stunning landscapes. I said it once before on here... moving Up North adds a whole lot of excitement to my life. It's come more than true.



[Currently we are driving backwards with the train. There is some problem with the spår... hmmm - good thing I am not trying to catch a plane tonight...].



So, I hope to update this blog more frequently (or at all) over these next few weeks. But, who knows what life is going to look like.



I am thrilled to be seeing some of you all soon - that's quite the treat in the midst of all this.



In the meanwhile, take care of yourself, send positive juju to the Beefenator and lycka till with your own endeavors!

Central America - here I come!!

Wow.

I just sealed the following deal:

Drive south, hug the Beef, leave with N & N.

Travel to US (Montana) to hug a friend and to meet teenage boy on farm.

Take boy, travel to Central America (exact location to be determined by yours truly).

Backpack for about a week, successfully reach goal of challenge (created by yours truly).

Return to Montana, do farm-y stuff with boy (also, food bank, fitness center, animal care).

Warmly welcome back friend (who owns farm) after her trip to Peru.

(Possibly take a quick trip to hug friends in Oregon).

Come back to farm, get some new client backpacking.

(Possibly take a quick trip to hug friends in Oregon) - only once though.

Return to Sweden.

Hug the Beef.

Start own business in Sweden.



Have I mentioned that life is incredible? Wow-ser.

Post 100: Evaluation Time...!

This is post # 100. (Don't mind the couple of draft posts in my dashboard).

It's time to evaluate how things are going.

(In reality this post is meant to distract me from the pain that I feel/felt in my belly when I learned that I bought a lemon instead of a reliable beautiful car last week). This could have easily become a hate post. But thanks to my optimistic disposition I'll turn it into something else. What...? No idea. Please, stay with me while I find out.

I have lived in Sweden for approximately 6 months now (June and July partially, and then from mid October till now). During this time I have:

- Lived with a family that I didn't know prior.
- Learned a little Swedish.
- Lost a job that I had moved for that I really never even got.
- Got an apartment.
- Let go of an apartment.
- Moved Beefy here.
- Learned that it is INSANE to move to Sweden (some days at least).
- Appreciated the beauty of the forests, lakes, and the sea in Southern Sweden.
- Swam in many lakes and different places in the sea.
- Taken bike trips.
- Taken daily walks with Buford.
- Bought a car.. ahem lemon.
- Visited Up North.
- Returned a car after threatening the shithead who sold it to me. Voodoo anyone?
- Decided to move - Up North.
- Snowboarded once.... what the ...?!?!
- Telemark-skied only on ridiculously flat terrain (lame, inefficient version of x-country skiing).
- Seen one wild moose and fed three tame ones.
- Couch-surfed mucho.
- Made a few very good friends.
- Lost one very good friend (ouch!!).
- Taken hundreds of photos of my rock.
- Had a grand total of 11,000 SEK of income (from Sweden that is)... that's a joke, people... = approximately 1,400 USD... divided onto 6 months... (stomach flutter pain returns).



Yesterday I caught myself thinking "maybe I should leave now"... - cause particularly looking at my "income" makes me cringe... and my luck with apartments, jobs, and cars doesn't help. I also told N & N under tears that I hate "bringing all that badness into their life". That's how I felt. It's not fun. And still... (you can call me crazy now): I'm not giving up. I think there is something waiting for me Up North. Something powerful that will make all this... stuff... worth it. I believe that I am just working my way into the place that I belong. I gotta say though: It would really help my self-confidence and my trust in life to have some sort of success sometimes soon. How can one capable courageous woman continuously be discouraged by the environment? How long does one last? Or better, how long do I last...? And, will it get easier?

I think I'll have to drink that Mirror Pond beer tonight that my friends sent me for Christmas. Not in despair - I almost did that yesterday after learning about the lemon - but in... well.. in a grounding sort of way. I guess I could celebrate 100 blog posts as well as having Beefy and N & N in my life? [In case you haven't noticed, this is your friendly cue to tell me that yes, I should indeed drink a wonderful beer from the Pacific Northwest tonight].

Lim(b)o.

I've been hiding.

I'm trying to stop that. It's not helpful.

I don't really know what's going on... here's the objective (ha! whom am I kidding??) update:

Car: I'm in contact with a guy who will likely sell me his Volvo 245. I've test-driven it... I've overcome my reservations about some rust, and I love it's classy style. I also love that every Swede who hears about my intention of buying it says something like this: "... a Volvo? You're going to have NO problem getting it fixed for cheap if necessary"... or... "a Volvo? It's the most reliable vehicle you can get! Go for it!"... or... "some rust? Hey, that's normal... but the engine will run FOREVER!". So, now the seller just needs to get his shit together and fix the stuff he said he was gonna and.... let go of my car. He's a human though who has his dad in the ICU due to a stroke and as a result is insanely busy and keeps postponing the deal. Cannot wait to get started on cleaning it out and readying it for the trip Up North! (Well, at least I cannot wait to lay my hands onto my hopefully-soon-acquired freedom-bil!!).

House: I keep hearing funny stuff about my future house. Like, apparently there is a motorcycle in the bathtub... or was it a shower? Anywho, it sounds like I will get to put some work in "making it mine" (=cleaning and cozying it up). But that's the funnest part anyways, no? I totally daydream about arriving up there... and becoming a part of a comedy of sorts. What I envision is me arriving and there being no... driveway... cause as a house-renter one probably has to do ones own shoveling and stuff, huh? Particularly if there isn't another house on the road (which is very likely). Next up, burying a way into the house and then checking if there is any wood and/or electricity. Mr. Moose actually told me that he was going to have people clean it up a bit and put lights and carpets in (am not a carpet fan but am letting them do what they want... I can always move stuff, right? There may be a good reason for carpet...). He also offered to make a snowmobile track between our houses so that Beefy and I can go visit the moose without troubles.... is this his way of telling me that I am now moose responsible?? OK with me. So, long story short: I think it will be fun to make it there and start to figure these things out... and still, something is keeping me stalling instead of shoving me towards the leap...

Job: In the meanwhile I have attempted to make some connections Up There... turns out that I really need to be there to make any movement. But I have sent an email to some role models of mine that are looking for a co-editor for a book in International Adventure Therapy. I didn't really apply... mostly just let them know that I exist. Cause, you know... I would die to be part of a community that develops this field internationally. Would be nice to not be so isolated in that task. By the way, Yxbacken and the refugee application have been quite the disappointment. I never even heard back of the refugee place (which is truly shocking to me) and have gotten really lame interactions from Yxbacken. Thinking about that stuff I am getting really eager to leap.
I'm also going to be on German TV in a good week. Prime-time Wednesday evenings for quite a few weeks. Kinda crazy... I am going back and forth being really excited about it and scared shitless.
Overall I can say that I am feeling encouraged in my decision to move closer into the wild. A large part of me is needing that kind of environment and I am getting positive signals from all over about the move. I really just need to do it, huh?

Friends: I've been thinking a lot about friends recently. I have lost friends before... and it just happened again. In part due to my decision making. I hate it when it feels as if I cannot offer myself integrity and keep friends. I guess with healthy friends it should be possible. Sorry to be somewhat cryptic, but I don't know how to do it better. Fact is that I have few people in my Swedish environment that I consider friends, which, on occasion leads to me feeling lonely. You cannot imagine how much I long to have a catch up with a friend that I have known more than a few months. I long to "let go" of my burden of being here the way I am. Moving away from the South hurts a bit cause I have found a few people here that are important to me or are in the process of getting there. Obviously there are more where I am headed. I guess I just wanna acknowledge that my adventures have tough sides to them as well.

Dating: I'm dating Swedes. Yup, that's right... Swedes... not "a Swede". I'm finally "getting out there". And it's surprisingly easy, and fun, and empowering. Love how it shifts my attention from being hilariously professional 24/7 to being more playful. Plus I have never really been one to date and play. Now I am. Kinda overnight (no pun intended here ;)...). It's totally beneficial cause I get to connect with different people and learn about my new country. And it's much more fun when ONE date doesn't mean either heaven or hell. Pssst! ... am still in contact with Sweet Shoulders by the way. He's the sweetest so far. Kinda wish the future distance was smaller.

Buford: B is the best. I cannot even fathom to do this by myself. (This = everything). He's my anchor, my tickle, my sun, my breeze, my laughter, my soul, my tears... Bringing him into my life continues to be the single best thing I have done. Period. It will feel awesome to conquer the world with him in our freedom-bil. We're both tired today... took a 11 km walk earlier. It was glorious.

Now.... could I please get my car and move on?

I think that would help.

Late Night Snap Shot.

I'm tickled by life.

Feels wonderful.


+++

Here's why:

My trip up north visiting Mr. Moose (thanks for the new and improved name, Andrea!) gets better and better. For one, it's longer - thanks to the increasingly wonderful Mr. Moose who will pick Beefy and I up in Stockholm on the 12th already - as the bus doesn't allow dogs to travel along (normally, public transportation in Sweden is animal friendly). Meaning: Our visit will be 8 days long... aww.. cottage, snowmobile and future work opportunities, here we come!

For two, Mr. Moose and I are now talking about utilizing the moose farm as an integral part of a rehab program for youth!!!! Recognizing the energy Mr. Moose puts into me, I'll do what I consider 'my part for now' and seriously buckle down with my Swedish improvement over the coming 10 days. I may go as far as writing this blog in Swedish, just for practice... stay tuned!

***

Online Dating - my first date today was really wonderful. I think I won't drag a whole lot of that stuff onto here - but I'll offer a mini insight that may strike you as funny (as it did me.....)

Envision this...: Several hours into talking, exploring Paradise with B, at home after having finished a meal... me sitting (don't know how I got there) on the kitchen cupboard - sweet guy just about to give me a lil' peck-in... I observe B over a nicely shaped shoulder (who's playing with "Ird" to enjoy his part of the deal) chew delightedly on the actual squeaker that used to be inside "Ird's" padded belly... = MAJOR CHOKING HAZARD!! ...yours truly interrupted her own exciting playtime, hopped off the cupboard, muttered an excuse (probably in that order), fingered the squeaky out of B's snout, returned, and proceeded.... with the grown up game.

Interacting with another human being (who didn't already love and adore me for my - or despite - my crazy lifestyle) also made me blatantly aware of me being less.... lets just say, "a little different". Glad the possessor of the nicely shaped shoulder could handle it and maybe even get excited about it.

***

My dog... I love my dog. What? That's nothing new to you? Well, it's part of this snapshot anyways. It's my blog after all ;).

And - maybe more importantly: Thanks to improving snow- and paw conditions, Beefy got to frolic along today WITHOUT BOOTIES AND OFF LEASH! - Needless to say: Bouncy flurries all around. (Also: The current snow would be SICK skiing... if only there were hills here!!).

***

My friends... I love my friends. Here's to community, technology which allows us to stay or get connected ;) , and health, and movement, and late-night-text messages (wait..., I may have a harder time than I thought to keep the sweet shoulder out of here...).

***

Intentions for 2010. I started an account with 43 Things in October (where did I hear about this? Maybe through LSL? definitively a good blog... so it may as well have been hers...). A recent interaction with lovely Andrea made me reconnect with that tool. I am now working on creating a list of 43 Things that I seriously want to put effort into. If you wanna "cheer me on" or just visit, feel free to do so at my profile New Roots on said site. Still working on the list and eager to make it realistic and meaningful.

***

Snapshot: Check. (Good thing... it's half past midnight). Later, alligator.

HoliDAZE...

My first holidays "not working with troubled teens in the wilderness in four years" were thoroughly enjoyable. I barely missed the kiddos. And thanks to N and I's glorious idea we went into the forest where I served up some cheese fondue for everyone :)

How come I haven't done this before?? Like, as a staff meal when I worked in the woods? It only takes minutes once the fire is going and it's positively incredible. At least for a Swiss.

Check out the cheese string!!

Beefy found the secret recipe and stash ;)

Charming N.

Charming another N (and the photographer).

Swedish holiday dinner. Based on fish and meat.

Most important to me.. the evening walk around midnight.

My mom had sent me home-made Christmas cookies, chocolate, a candle, dried fruit, and a Swiss twig!

And my Oregon friends more than touched me with their Super-Care-Package for B and I...
Who wouldn't run off to Sweden when getting bliss in a box like this?

This is a photo of parts of Yxbacken. We went snowboarding there the other day. It shows maybe 1/2 of the whole "mountain". Was fun though!

B and I found more ice upon returning to Paradise...

And now, we're settling back in living on our own and eating holiday candy. He's got the biggest pile of candy ever (and so do I).

Also: I am a little bit concerned that I'll fall in a hole as I am a bit too non-busy these days. Just realized yesterday that I have barely worked in 2009. I was done with my last trek in early April and then only worked 2 months in August and September... crazy... how come I am not on and island somewhere if I am already taking such a long "break"? And, can I even work anymore? Need to find a way to keep the doubts at bay these days.

Nice to remember that I made some absolutely wonderful connections this year. Other than getting to celebrate this past week with friends and (their) family I also received notes and lil' packages from places I least expected it. The farmer gave me a big box of Merci Chocolate when I brought him a homemade card (featuring his cats and him), and I got a really exciting mixed CD and chocolate and a Oregon sticker and a note from Long Story Longer (one of my first blogging connections :)...).

So, plenty to do these days while waiting for the next step with my employment hopes (getting an invite for an interview to the refugee home place, visiting the moose guy in mid-January, and hearing what happened during the board meeting at Yxbacken after January 11th): Eating candy, listening to music, reading, walking the B, training the B, learning Swedish, writing... sounds dreamy, no? And like a good way to keeping the black cloud at bay that way...

Today, I bought Milk and Dog Food.

After yesterday's mini-disaster (Buford having a food party while I was gone) I was forced to do some shopping today. I am trying to have 0.-- SEK days as often as I can. N graciously said that I shouldn't buy food while staying at their house... ever heard of such incredible friends? I have, but I am feeling incredibly grateful - after all I have just met these two this past summer.

Anyways, I decided to go buy some 'regular dog food' (not the expensive hippie kind) and a liter of milk. I counted my remaining change before leaving the house... approximately SEK 70. And a SEK 50 bill... that should do. While walking B along the now empty canal I thought that it may be wise to go by my bank to check how much will be left after I pay the upcoming months rent... just in case. Beefy needs food after all. (A small bag of the food I have bought so far costs SEK 288; so I wanted to know whether I could use my card or not in case my change wasn't enough).

I found milk for SEK 7.70 and 3 kg of Pedigree Adult Healthy Vitality for SEK 67.80 (the food mentioned above was a 4 kg bag... I must be spoiling my pooch!). So far, so god.

When it was my turn at the cashier I figured I should see if my coins were gonna pay for the splurge. Swedish stores have coin collectors in which one sticks their change. I smiled at the cashier and mumbled a "sorry" as I dumped my heavy contents of my poor wallet into the machine. I was nervous as I hadn't counted the exact amount I had. Slowly the coins got accepted... I anxiously stared at the display informing me of the value of my treasure... 66.50... 67.00.... 69.50.... 72.00... 74.50.... 75.00... 75.50... Yay! Unbelievable I had the EXACT amount of coins that I needed! I took that as a lucky sign. Beef and I walked home bushy tailed and smiley (respectively).

We stopped for him to relief himself at a green patch near the house. Yup, poop is still a bit soft. It probably will stay that way for a couple of days... new food without getting used to it does that to dogs. Well, we'll just have to get over that, right, Beefy? :)

Online and Inspired.

I got energy flowing. Beef and I went on - what turned out to be a four-hour hike. It was loads of fun. Particularly when we walked right up to a rabbit.... man, those two were fast. It took B four (4!!) minutes to come back to me. That's the longest he ever left me for in exchange for running after another being... Now he's snoozing it off behind me. Innocently dreaming of his next big adventure.

And then, imagine this: I went to my neighbor to finally invite her to my place for coffee (I have spent the last week's worth of afternoons over at her place chatting and drinking coffee), and guess what she did? She guided me into her kitchen and gave me a little fruit basket - "for your new apartment" - and started to feverishly search through her freezer. She found frozen bread and hot dogs which she gave me graciously. Then she got out some chocolate from her cupboard and smiled at me and said she was happy to help. She also invited me for dinner tonight. And agreed to have coffee at my place. My heart about melted... I have craved meat recently and my creative diet (due to fewer and fewer ingredients and my desire to spend no money whatsoever) lacked bread, flower, and mostly fresh fruit. (Ahem, yes, I do accept donations.)

And now this: I just got off the phone with N. You know, of N and N, my best Swedish friends. He sent me a Facebook note saying he may have a business idea that would get me fully employed and well paid in no time. And that my skills were needed. Huh? Of course I called. He's incredible. And, best of all: He's a business man and in touch with reality. And a human. We need more of those... :) - The bestest of all is this: I love his idea. I mean, LOVE his idea. It's fully congruent with my values. It's human. It's intercultural. It's healthy. It's sustainable. For me and others.

Here it comes: He thinks we could create a temporary home for teenage refugees from other countries (i.e. Somalia, Afghanistan are the most needy here in Sweden currently), offering them a group home while teaching them skills (such as Swedish, gardening, wilderness, interpersonal, as well as general life skills in a Swedish environment) with a staff team that understands Sweden but also the culture we would focus on (e.g. have an Afghan on staff should we focus on Afghan kids, etc.). Sweden's communes apparently have significant problems with those kids currently, as they don't have enough foster families they can place them into. We couldn't quite offer them a family, but we could offer them things that a family cannot. Isn't that inspiring? Fascinating? Unbelievable?

So now, we're gonna do some legwork and research what the different communes are looking for, whether or not we can fulfill those expectations, and if the whole thing is financially sustainable. He thinks it looks like it would be.

I know I ask you to cross your fingers quite often... but, could you do some more of that, please?