German Blues.

So... Germany is teaching me that I am crazy. You know, a little out there. That I am not the person I used to be... some decade ago, when I worked in an office and guided travel agents in their struggles with clients who wanted to travel to Latinamerica.

I think I have become a rather free spirit.

Who doesn't fit into a cubicle anymore. Luckily this statement has nothing to do with physical size... ;)

But man, do I feel out of place in city environments!! Even though people speak my native tongue here I feel misunderstood and as if I don't understand some secret code. Sooo many people and soo little human connection. Not that the Swedes are terribly social, mind you!

So, really, the trip is affirming my bigger life choices... compliments to my gut at this point... cause really, I cannot claim that my brain is my guide when deciding irrational things such as leaving the States and moving to Sweden many moons ago (ok, only about 15, but you get the point...).

Am sitting in a hostel in Cologne right now... winding down after an emotionally taxing day. Sounds like I am scoring more work days in the near future... so, it's happening.

Tomorrow I'll meet three guys I've wanted to meet for many months now. We first got in touch last winter when things were rather grim for me. Hoping to score a goal in our time together!! And hoping to make some real connection. Cause they, to me, are life-affirming. And I certainly need a little bit of that in this grey, rainy country.

Love,

Me

Finding pleasure in slow paced activities like... chewing big ass bones.

I am super busy with finalizing my business set up and the parents visiting and life happening all around.

For a quick update here some shots of the cute guy that's recovering well.

Will be back for more shortly!

B is on drugs... not enjoying the high though.

B has a tough day today.

No breakfast for starters...

... and... the surgery.

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B used to be very unconcerned when visiting the vet.

Yep, used to be. After being taken his temperature in his butt a few too many times and having been stitched up after a skiing accident a little over a year ago he started to be more careful around those caretakers.

When we visited the vet for the first time here a couple weeks ago he was timid.

Today, he was really scared.

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It's over now.

We're home - he's whimpering in his sleep.

I carried him out of the car and onto his bed.

He will have to take it easy for two weeks (!). Bummer.

I really hope that this traumatic event wont leave any scars. He really doesn't need any of that.

I also hope that the growth turns out to be a histiocytom.

I struggle when B isn't well. (How's that for a surprise?)


Send some love!!

B's Pea Update.

Buford is getting surgery on his paw tomorrow.

We've been playing hard these last few days in order to pre-compensate for what's to come.

He's happy as ever. Unfortunately his paw has started to "puke" and bleed. The pea is smaller however also weirder. We're hoping for the best.

Cross your fingers for us - we gotta be healthy to fully embrace Up North.

Moose-lets in the hood!!

Look what happened while B and I hiked our butts off!!

Isa had her calves. They touch my soul and feed my sense of wonder.

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After visiting with them in the back area of the hägn, they made it to the farm house for the first time in their lives...

Sweet little wonders of life.

Update from Up North.

First and foremost: B's mini-tumor still has the opportunity to turn out to be a Histiocytom... meaning that it could be a "good" tumor that is not unusual in young dogs. I currently apply a gel twice a day that should make it receede (diagnostic tool of sorts) within a week or two. If it doesn't go away I will have to take him in for surgery. Even if I have to do that it could obviously turn out to be a "good" tumor; however, I am sending a lot of good juju into the cells to keep surgery from happening. It's better for B, for our exercise routines, and for my wallet. Thanks for the support!

I also got a chance to talk to a dog trainer about some of his less functional behaviors (essentially being protective of me). It's been incredibly good for me to seek help in this area, and I feel really good about taking some steps to help him feel more relaxed around strangers. In short: When looking at the pics on this blog you already know the B he already is... 95% of the time. Now I finally know how I can help him to feel that way 100% of the time! Yay, relief! Yay, asking for help!

This is our lake from a nearby skiing mountain. Mr. Moose and I started to seakajak on it last week. It's incredible. One day I went back and took B, thinking I could paddle along the shore and he could run (or rather, walk). Instead he swam and eventually jumped onto my kajak. Nope, I did not end up swimming, but realized that it will take a little training to realize the dreamy scenario of paddling into the sunset with Beefy strolling along. Little note of interest: Up North our sunset happens currently at 10:26pm and the sunrise at 3:35am.

B during our yesterday's walk. Sadly there are quite a few clearcuts that are very visible in Sweden. According to my interactions with locals they still collect wood that way here. Makes B and I a little sad. It's so much prettier when the trees get to stay where they belong. Or when sustainable practices are applied. And yes, we walked straight into that storm cloud... and had to find shelter under a tree later. That's where the following shot happened:

And lastly, the German visit. Man, I must admit I have been getting anxious about that one. Turns out that things went super smoothly, that we enjoyed one anothers company, that they loved my home, my (T)rusty (which is a stretch), and B (which is not). The - best possible result - of their visit has happened: I have a gig with a kid scheduled. I know I wrote on here that I have my first client a few weeks ago... which I do and it goes well by the way... but this will be my first REAL client. And it's going to be brilliant as I already know him, and as he will come here with another staff to spend three weeks in the area (during which I'll be a support and local guide of sorts - and make a little money). During the second three weeks of this 6-week project I, B, and the kid will be backpacking. Yahoooo!! Work! I'm for real! My company is, too! (Even though I have this awkward struggle to actually register it and move along with things). Isn't all this great?

I'm also going on an impromptu trip tomorrow til Wednesday. Accordingly I have to get my ducks in a row now and take advantage of being in the frontcountry for another 24 hour period or so. See you at the other end.

PS: Stay tuned for photos. After a longish period of rainy weather the forecast is sun sun sun! Being out for 4 days should lead to some inspiring shots! :)

Houston we have a problem...

I noticed a little pea-size deformity on Buford's right back paw the day we went mountain biking. It looked red, round, and not right. Buford didn't seem to mind me palpating it. I didn't think too much about it and decided to monitor it.

When I looked at it again it seemed less red, same size, still there. I showed it Mr. Moose today. He encouraged me to call his ex-girlfriend who's a canine expert (but no vet). I did and she said that it most likely is a tumor. ON MY BEEFS FOOT!! Doesn't have to be malignant of course, but... what?!

Am trying to figure out if I can get him to the vet tomorrow. Apparently there isn't one in town here so we will have to travel a bit. The next day I am expecting the German guys who may be my future client providers... sure hope these coming days will be good ones!

Finally: Up North.

This is what Buford did all day yesterday:

How can one not adore the little bugger? :)

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And now... ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present:

Our (new old) car... and our house Up North!!!

Can you believe the Swedish flag???

And now, if you could excuse me...: I got a house to clean and cozy up!!

Taking a Leap... Again.

I feel as if I am entering a major transition.

So much can happen over the next few days.

I long for a change from my stagnate, yet blissful days with B in Paradise.

My visit of Mr. Moose moves closer and closer.

He shows tons of foresight and takes care of everything but "you decide if you wanna bring your skis, but certainly bring your dog :)". Will this trip be the beginning of a new life phase for me?

One where I can actually... 1) Learn Swedish, 2) create a home for Buford and I, 3) grow roots?

I am giddy and full of joy and anticipation.

Today marks B and I's last day in Paradise... for a while.

We're about to take our last long walk, and are in the midst of packing.

Packing is such a wonderful activity to me. Full of thoughts, full of promise, full of wonder.

I've been packing for a while. In all kinds of ways.

How will this story evolve?

Will B and I find what we're looking for?

What am I looking for?

+ Grounded, authentic people with goals that support mine
+ Landscape that continually inspires me
+ A sustainable, challenging, rewarding job opportunity
+ A refuge of sorts (simple is OK... I've enjoyed my trusty van "Shark" before)
+ Opportunities to learn and grow

What is B looking for?

+ Regular feeding times (or more)
+ Long walks (or more)
+ Play time (all-the-time)
+ Moose friends (if they're nice)
+ Snacks that aren't locked in a box (please?)


Next step: Walk. Dream. Ponder.

Do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?

B Sporting Safety Gear.

I bet you worried if B was safe while out there playing today, no?

No need to worry, we got it all covered over here:

Yup, we now have one of those extend-able leashes that old ladies have (my own stereotype - busted!! unless you think of 32 year old me as old...). It works great when I want to let Beefy roam but not quite enough to get away with loosing another booty.

While I think it looks kinda cute I still hope for changing snow conditions... until then, we play wildly inside with remnants of the "ird".

Is it just me or does he look like he has a hangover?
~ And it's not even midnight yet (4 hours 59 to go).

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Best wishes to all for 2010 from Paradise...

from

Buford and Marlies

Get (It) Out.

Another difficult day turned blissful.

I had my last meeting with the folks of the supposed Swedish Wilderness Therapy Program this morning. Amongst other things they finally said that they needed people right now who volunteer their time... I couldn't help but say: "That's what I have done the last five month!" --- But I am done now. We said goodbye with hugs. One of them put a 100 Krona bill on the table... "for the bus". I took it and bought myself some fresh veggies to feed my backcountry-food eating soul with some earthy root-y stuff.

My neighbor S's brother said later that I just experienced an extreme version of one of the Swedes' downfalls. It's called being PAINFULLY, UTTERLY NON-CONFRONTATIONAL AT ALL COST. Which can obviously turn into some giant gooey mess.

Shall I just call it part of my adventure...?

And with that taken care of, I am ready to turn my broken self into a new direction.

Buford just looked at me when I made it home and suggested a walk (OK, he always does that). After all we had noticed an area recently that we hadn't put our noses in deeply yet. I took the camera... the shots that frame this post are the result. Have I mentioned that I love to capture nature's beauty? It simply does not get old.

As I gazed around I felt some sadness at the thought of likely having to leave this environment. Then I remembered that I feel a strong connection to nature wherever. I have learned to see that beauty and it nurtures me in all kinds of natural environments: Monument Valley's red mesas, Colorado's peaks, Oregon's wild places, now Sweden (this is just within the last year). I won't have to live without that puddle of life. No matter where I end up. It will be right there. And should I forget, B will gladly remind me. Me feeding him isn't for free after all ;)

So, what now?
I talked with my father today. It's his birthday. He asked: "Why don't you just come home?" - We recently had started to breach the (for me) difficult subject of me getting some support. These tiptoe-y conversations are suddenly comforting to me. What if I took Beefy home to where I (used to) belong? It sure is beautiful there. Maybe it's time and I had to go via Sweden. Or maybe I am as confused as many US Americans who don't know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland... sillies! I gotta say that moving to a place where I can sell my qualities to potential employers or partners sounds awfully awesome. Why not?

I told my dad that I wanted to give myself some time. During our walk today I thought that it would be nice to take a month or so to get out all the applications I have been thinking of (contacting people from A to Z, e.g. Swiss representatives of youth organizations, contacts I have gathered that work all about Europe, authors, researchers, etc., etc.); while living in paradise. I just got internet access today, so I am set there, and I have food left to last about a month (most of it was imported backcountry-food from the US... good thinking it turns out), I am bound to the apartment for three months (yikes, but I have paid December)... so, really: Why not be in paradise, take long walks with the B everyday, contact any and all promising souls and organizations in Europe, create and shape my future community, and then... figure out a way to get there?

This photo touches my soft spot. It's so very B! So kind, gentle, soft, curious... (and of course he just came up to sniffle me a bit - and no, he doesn't do that all the time). Sweet pea.

OK, enough of that ;)


I am still super psyched about that German program working with youth 1:1. Should Beefy and I find a way to travel (hopefully with our possessions) down south, I certainly would want to stop there. The community sounded sweet. B is welcome. That, at the most basic, is what I am looking for.

It's kind of crazy to suddenly let go of (or at least consider to do so) the "gotta find a Swedish job to survive... can I empty trashcans for you?? PLEASE?"... and remember that I have tons to offer - in places where I can communicate. What a journey...!

So, equipped with my new internet mobile device, lots of time, lots of desire for meaningful work, and lots of connections and ideas I will likely spend rather extensive hours in front of this screen over the next few days.

Sounds exciting, no?



Maybe I'll see the light sometimes soon?

Cores.

This beautiful creature is a core-hog. Yesterday as we were walking along the canal I picked a couple of apples for a snack from an apple tree we have utilized before (for yogurt with fresh apples and muesli that is... or fresh apple pancakes). One of them had a couple of blemishes so I ate only half of it. Then I threw it on the side of the path - which, I figured, is totally acceptable in a place where apple trees are living as they were native. B heard the 'plongg' and immediately went to investigate the "rabbit". He took a while. I didn't pay attention to him and wandered on. A bit later he shot by me. I probably could have noticed the spring in his step and the parade position he may have utilized to show his pride. Cause when I caught a closer look at him I saw that he had dutifully picked up my apple core and was now giving it a ride... in his fangs.

This morning I found a pear hanging on a tree on the side of N and N's house (where we are staying currently). I picked it with delight and turned it into fresh pear-yogurt-and-muesli. That's what I am currently eating. B looked at me expectantly as I cut the pear. Because he doesn't actually eat the apple cores - and because I obviously never feed him human food... who? me? - I hesitated for a second... then I put the pear core pieces into his bowl. He devoured them. (He also LOVES carrots.) What a good morning for the two of us, huh? And now: Networking, job-seeking, researching... yahoooo!

Later that Day.

I found beauty again today:

Beef and I took a new loop (out along the seashore, back along the road) and met a farmer. I had my second "Swedish Only" interaction. Those are short, smiley, and sweet. Yesterday I had one with a neighbor who owns a little dog.

There is hope.

I spent most of today on the internet. That is exciting as I usually don't have access, particularly not all day. I am in a new room of mine, called "The Office & Gear Shed". There are maps on the walls, one showing Oregon's wild places, one the Three Sisters Wilderness, and one my new environment here in Sweden. There are also a pair of telemark skis, two snowboards, a Buford resting place, and since N brought it, a tiny desk. Which officially makes it an office. Sweet. And miraculously that elusive internet I have used before has come and stayed. I am knocking on wood in between typing.

In addition to being outside I found inspiration on the wonderful world wide web today. There is an organization in Germany that is hiring people for a really sweet gig. I want that gig. I went ahead and applied. I also registered myself at Manpower.se, called a Thai Restaurant, and applied to be a Personal Assistant (helping someone with a disability live a better life by being with them - P made a contact for me). But I wanna tell you about the German gig. It's most fabulous.

The organization in question is looking for individuals who are interested to live with a youth for three months in the out-of-doors. The mentor/mentee team is expected to engage in activities such as hiking, biking, building and floating on a raft, canoe-touring, and/or mountaineering. They are also working in different places along the way, e.g. on a farm, in a woodshop, or something similar, usually with a focus on working with their hands. The mentor (that would be me) will be offered support in form of supervision, as well as curriculum to use when working with the youth. I WANT THAT JOB! The organization then continues the treatment of the youth by having them live with a mentor for the next three months or longer. The initial time in the out-of-doors is used to assess what needs the youth has and how they can be accommodated. I LOVE IT.

Spontaneous as I am - when I am not depressed - I wrote an application right then and there. Unfortunately it is Friday afternoon, so I am unlikely to hear back from the guy very shortly. Monday at the earliest if I am really lucky. Man, I am basically made for that job. I had some questions for the guy, one of which was if I could bring Buford along if I was considered a fit. Please, everyone who reads this: Cross your fingers, or paws (do I have any dog readers?).

I am also in the process to write up a list of needs and criteria for the people I came here to work for. I have been more outspoken about my - increasingly dire - situation here. I am in the process of being even more outspoken with the help of N of my friend couple N & N. They are most wonderful. Both N's are also incredible business people, which comes in handy when one wants to start a business. My future bosses are no business people. N has helped me understand that I am the most committed within our team. However, my future depends on those hesitant, slightly scared people. That is no good.

I need a goal to be well. Right now those people have my goal in their hands. That is highly uncomfortable for a control freak & dreamer like me. I will increase my pressure upon them so that I can have a goal again. They may be part of it. Or not.

Beef will be part of whatever I do. He's currently offering me free therapy. Like tonight. I made dinner for both of us, and after he inhaled his he sat under the table cuddled against my feet. Once I was done I sat down to him and took a photo of us:

And then I shifted my legs and let him slide into a curled up position in between my legs. He rested his head on my right arm and nestled his paws onto and under my right leg. We breathed together for probably about fifteen minutes. Once in a while one of us sighed. It was beautiful.