I am here. Right here.

That new grey bundle is Biene. She's a crazy, wonderful now 6-month old addition to the family. She's also a symbol for B and I growing roots for realz.

+++

Wow, it's been a while.

A really long while.

I'm still not clear on why I haven't checked in here - and the "why" may be overrated anyways.

Reality is... I've progressed exponentially on my Sweden-to-do-list.

Responding to crisis- and wanna-be-crisis-calls in Swedish 3 days a week. Living life talking and often thinking in Swedish. Enrolled in a one-year education in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) in Swedish. Language goal? Check!

Running my business successfully so far. Working 200% but feeling only about 100% most of the time. In addition to the stugservice job I had plans on accepting for the winter I also allowed for a 14-year-old whirlwind to enter my life and home. Whirlwinds have a tendency to ground me, so things are good. The girl has been here from December 6th and will stay until June 21th. I'm a mom of sorts... and it often feels good. She's turned from a long-sleeping make-up-covered often uncertain girl into a skiing often-gleeful dog-loving sweet young lady. We've given the house a make over which resulted in sweet sweet spaces all around. Home creating goal? Check!

Roots...? --- Am still not entirely sure what roots mean to me. What I know for sure is that I am rooting and that the process is the sweetest I know. Every day Buford and I leave our house with the single goal in our minds to ski or walk to yet another undiscovered place to us. He's guided by his nose - I use eyes and emotions. I've been addicted to a skiing loop I discovered 3 days ago - just gotta repeat it over and over till another one is calling my name.

Planning on working with different organizations after the whirlwind has left. Local organizations - both "state"-funded and private - have announced interest in buying my services. No I just need to set up a sweet summer program that allows me to play and do good work with some youngins.

For now I am getting ready for another day. Let's see what this one brings....!

German Blues.

So... Germany is teaching me that I am crazy. You know, a little out there. That I am not the person I used to be... some decade ago, when I worked in an office and guided travel agents in their struggles with clients who wanted to travel to Latinamerica.

I think I have become a rather free spirit.

Who doesn't fit into a cubicle anymore. Luckily this statement has nothing to do with physical size... ;)

But man, do I feel out of place in city environments!! Even though people speak my native tongue here I feel misunderstood and as if I don't understand some secret code. Sooo many people and soo little human connection. Not that the Swedes are terribly social, mind you!

So, really, the trip is affirming my bigger life choices... compliments to my gut at this point... cause really, I cannot claim that my brain is my guide when deciding irrational things such as leaving the States and moving to Sweden many moons ago (ok, only about 15, but you get the point...).

Am sitting in a hostel in Cologne right now... winding down after an emotionally taxing day. Sounds like I am scoring more work days in the near future... so, it's happening.

Tomorrow I'll meet three guys I've wanted to meet for many months now. We first got in touch last winter when things were rather grim for me. Hoping to score a goal in our time together!! And hoping to make some real connection. Cause they, to me, are life-affirming. And I certainly need a little bit of that in this grey, rainy country.

Love,

Me

Front-Country Challenged.

"Hi, my name is Marlies and I think I am front-country challenged."

You know, as opposed to feeling at home in the back-country (read also: The Farm, small villages, the woods, the cliffs, being with B).

We used to talk a lot about front- versus backcountry when I still lived my life in the US. But I've never felt the difference as strongly as I do right now.

+++

Am sitting in the train to Stockholm's airport Arlanda. Flying to Köln in Germany tonight for a little businesstrip. It's supposed to last a work week and I am supposed to meet with different potential partners. But goodness am I rusty with all of it!!

Dress code, people paths, train silence, tickets, money, ...

Yesterday this was my world:

We got enough snow to have snow drifts. I love snow drifts.

B and I met 2 bears!!! One is visible on this pic. Hurray!

Rocks. Sky. Snow. Clouds. Simply beautiful.

This is where the hike started and ended. Love the softness.

+++

Today, I am focusing my energy to channel what I found yesterday in a way that I can share it with the agencies that may send youth my way in the future.

Seems logical that mother nature is my go-to-place to gather energy and courage for that... right?

Both powerful and a bit surprising to me how foreign the world I used to be part of feels to me right now.

But hey, challenges are good, right? And to know that I am in the right place to live my life is even better.

Here's to pushing the comfort zone.

"Front-country, come on - let's be friends again!"

(At least for a little while... ;)...).

Of Cuddles, Play, and Rowing in the Skärgård.

Welcome back!

Here's a visual of our time out in the Skärgård (Swedish for Archipelago). The Swedes are proud of their islands... I can understand why.

Note B's favorite sleeping spot: The fire pit! Maybe he doesn't need beds and sleepingbags after all?!

Love. This. Shot.

He looks so endlessly happy when he gets to play with the boy.

Sometimes I catch him even though he's speedy as no other!

Paradise, right?

Me, rowing the boat.

More cuddles. There has to be time for that.

Hard worker resting his eyes... :)

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." - Seneca

I am few days away from hiking 350 km with my first client.

My days are filled with concrete preparation. I can be found buying, organizing, packing, and agonizing over food. Testing my stove with Swedish Rödsprit instead of my trusted white gas. Saving receipts so I can mark my investments for my future business account. Gathering details about trail conditions, client insurance, and GPS. What still was a dream a few months ago has become reality: I created myself my dream job (life) and now I am living it.

Gone are the days I had to "construct my challenges". Gone are the days I dreamed up ways to live my life to the fullest potential. Gone are the days I worried about the lacking income.

It's all real now.

I got a young human being to take out into the Swedish Fjälls. I get to lead him through unknown territory, hopefully both inside and out. I get to be "wowed" by him. I get to be silent with him. And I get to listen. If I am lucky he'll tell me some of his story.

B will be on our side. He will make us laugh and inspire us to be gentle with ourselves. I will ensure that his paw continues to heal and that he stays well fed and safely away from the reindeer and the moose and the bear.

I will take photos. I will write notes. Work related ones and private ones.

I will get to ponder.

We are planning to hike 350 kilometers. In 3 weeks. Through some amazing territory. There will be mosquitos. We got spray and head nets, a tent, a bivi, and a mosquito net for B.

We are prepared.

We got a few days left to soak up some pre-trip bliss and continue to put the remaining ducks in a row. Maybe there will be another post before we're heading out. Maybe not.

Either way... have a wonderful shift into the second half of 2010!

Start Eget.

Peacefulness... captured a few hundred yards above our home.




+++

Slowly but surely my business is being born.

One of Mr. Moose's favorite things to tell me is to "slow the *f* down and be patient".

As I have alluded to here before..., patient I am not. At least not when it's about me securing myself a future. In the end I have to be.... and eventually, things work out. May as well stop stressing over the little bits and pieces.

Here's what's been happening on the business front recently.

I have gotten confirmation that I will receive government support for the first 6 months of my business venture. Yay for being 'let in' to the Swedish world by having gotten a personnummer a while back. So, I, like most other people who 'start eget' (= start their own) will be supported by funds as entrepreneurship is understood as a positive way to not fall into the ditch of unemployment. For me that means that I will receive approximately US$ 850 (brutto) per month for free starting July 1st. In order to be granted that money I had to meet with a free (!) business consultant a few times, deliver her with a business plan and register my business (which I did today... horray!). They will take away approximately 30% in taxes (yup, that's how we roll here) and still: I get an income no matter what. Brilliant! (Particularly as I plan to create a financially secure business.... meaning I don't actually depend on this support.)

I am also a mere 10 days away from going on my first 3-week hiking expedition with my first German client. I know, I know, I announced here that I had my first client already - and I did. But this, you guys, is the real thing.

The next 10 days will be spent setting myself up for a (mostly) unsupported backpacking trip west of here. We will hike on the stretch between Sälen and Storlien, the so-called Södra Kungsleden. The distance between the two places is 349 km - obviously there are tons of ways for us to log more or less miles depending on how things go and what we encounter. I get a feeling that it will be rather mindblowing... you'll certainly hear all about it.

Parallel I am working on a web presence for the business venture... aie aie aie... so much excitement!

Recently, I was also able to make an initial connection with a local photographer who is looking to work together with others. It's rather exciting actually... she does nature photography trips with groups and is eager to collaborate in creative ways. When I shared my interest in doing so she sounded at least as intrigued as I feel. She has lived on Grönland before and done some other incredible stuff. We are planning to have fika together on Monday... am curious how that little seed will develop.

So, for now... I get to plan, prepare, and nurse Beefy back in shape. I'll still have to wait for the results of the tumor analysis... We should know by the end of next week. Either way we need to get the rather substantial cut from the surgery to grow back together seamlessly... not an easy task with us two who are movement junkies.

Better listen to Mr. Moose and be patient, huh?

The Dinner Table.

Things are developping beautifully around here. Having a client brings flavor to my life. It lets me self-actualize... isn't that a wonderful kind of perfect?

Life has always been good Up North - and yet, having a youngen around that needs a couple of pushes and some guidance here and there clearly adds to it.

One of the most nourishing parts of it all is The Dinner Table. Finally I get to realize my vision of creating an environment where the day is shared and debriefed when everyone comes together in the evening to cook, eat, and to just be. I see it as a life line of sorts.

We've been making beautiful meals from scratch over the last few evenings, which I have enjoyed greatly. Thanks to him being a Swede I also improve my Swedish in the process. (I think I won the lottery without even knowing it...).

And here's another thing it does to me: When I actually sit down to eat a scrumptious meal with another person (instead of surfing the net.... ouch!), I realize that there is plenty of day left after dinner, and find myself thinking of (and realizing) fun after-dinner activities... so I have been taking both the client and B to a special spot on the lake one evening, and then just B to explore a fishing hole in a new environment and up a mountain nearby to watch the sunset (while the client did dishes...).

The beauty of it all is that at the moment I am just starting to scratch the surface of what the future that I am building is made of.

In my vision of The Dinner Table I imagined inviting people from the community and/or visitors of mine to join the goodness.... wanna be the first to do so?

Ready to Stop Waiting.

I just got to experience the most perfect day.

Mr. Moose took B and I - even further - Up North to the beautiful town of Östersund. He facilitated a meeting for me with his favorite business consultant (never mind that I have my own as well - but hey, starting a business one can never get enough support, right?!).

So, yeah... it's kinda getting official:

Yours truly is starting her own business.

I gotta say this again...

"I am starting a business."

Wow.

Needless to say... The meeting... which was going to take a close look at my finances and the doability of my business venture was a success. I totally expected for there to be a fluke somewhere, you know, something I haven't thought of yet, that was going to destroy my whole idea. But, no. None of that.

It just really sounds like all this is meant to be.

And that I am totally in the right place at the right time.

Wow.

The day continued with some amazing Sushi, lots of conversation with Mr. Moose (always a pleasure), lots of driving through amazing landscape, a visit of another moose farm (to inquire tips and tricks for the upcoming calf birthing/early days process - have I said "yay!" yet?), more conversation, spontaneous decision to have pizza in Sveg, and then - even more spontaneous decision to walk home from Sveg (while Mr. Moose drove)... only to see yet another perfect perspective of my new home (see picture above for support of my endless excitement). Plus, I LOVE it when I have an idea such as... "I could just walk home to give the B some exercise"... simple and perfect, all in one big swoop. On a bittersweet note though: Right after I shot the picture above, Mr. Moose called me to inform me that one of the pregnant moose has escaped... she's still not found. Cross your finga's for us!!

Anyways, my life has experienced some wonderful development.

I am now going to SFI (svenska för invandare) courses every morning of the work week. Offering me a community of beautiful people from places like Rwanda, Thailand, Burundi, Burma, Iraq, Polen, Japan, and more. And some Swedish knowledge on the side. ;)

I am actively getting my business going... meaning: I am in the process of writing my businessplan, have written my budget today, am in the process of getting my first client (!! - a representative of a German company that could become the "life giver" of my company is coming to visit me on 5/26 to check out my environment and discuss the possibility of working together - !!), have come up with a name, will soon capture my web presence space, and - if all goes well - will be getting the OK to get financial support from Sweden for the month of June!

I am in absulute. awe. of.... ME!

So, today is the day... that allows me to do the most powerful thing I can do in my (ad)ventures:

I will finally let go. Of... stagnance, fear, doubts.

And...

... I will Stop Waiting. You know, NOW.

On Fire!

Wow! Where to start?

OK, let's do this first:




You may actually want to get a cup of coffee to read this post. I have a feeling it's going to be somewhat lengthy... just saying! ;)

+++

So, things are falling into place like never before since Beefy and I laid eyes upon our new home.

You know... I haven't even really started falling in love with my car Trusty yet - mostly because soooo much other stuff is happening. Usually my life only features a couple of highlights a week. This past week... well... I am actually writing this to find out just how many good things have happened... I LOST TRACK!?! Awesomeness.

The goodness started when I last wrote... about the fireplace and stuff. Here a couple of pics to share the beauty:

See, I'm not only asking you to drink coffee... I'm leading by example!


Here a pic of my loves... (Buford, the woodpile - which is loved by Buford also, olive oil, blood oranges, "alive" basil, sunlight in my kitchen.... :)....):

So, yeah... let me go back a little. Despite Buford and I's efforts of warming the house we had the pipes freeze a couple of nights ago. The coldest night yet at -30 did it. I was able to unfreeze the ones for the kitchen within a day but am still without water in the bathroom. Showers? For losers... - Stinky? Me. (Only that I take cat showers at the kitchen sink... good thing I have no immediate neighbors). And you know what? I LOVE IT. Cause it forces me to get to know the house better. And learn. And learn I do a lot.

I also secured my weekend job in the meanwhile. Tomorrow is my first day. Ahhhh... income. My job will be to travel around the area in a team and checking vacation houses in between tourists leaving and new ones arriving. Mr. Moose said that it's an excellent way to study interior design (maybe therewith hinting that I need to do some loving to my house). We will see. I like that I get to travel about the ski town parts of my new home... and have I mentioned that I will have an income?

Additionally, I went to town (3,500 inhabitants... cute, no?) this week to meet with some officials. I wanted to see if I can get into the system more and... for example... finally get the free Swedish courses through SFI (Svenska for invandare) that I was promised almost a year ago. And a personnummer. So I can be seen as a person. And guess, what?! I was able to go through the process of applying without needing to resort to tears, fists, or any other power tool. They just took it in and said it will be taken care of. Up North, you're my hero!

I also met with Arbetsformedlingen... they don't only help people get jobs, they also support people who start their own business. Which is... ME!... in case you forgot. (I sometimes do). And I learned that I will get financial support from them as soon as I have registered my company. Not a lot, mind you, but close to what one would get as an existenzminimum - for 6 months! FREE MONEY!! For me! And just as I was typing away here I got a phone call from a lady that will help me set up my business plan and such. That service is for free here in Sweden, too. I think the door to Sweden has finally opened itself to me... :)

And - and this is probably the most exiting piece so far: I may already have my first client!!!! I have been contacted by the woman who is the lead therapist on the TV show that I was part of again (which is airing now and leads to lots of FB friending attempts by strangers, emails, and a soon to be published interview in Blick.ch by yours truly). She asked me if I could take in one of the boys she works with (in the US) for a few weeks at the end of March into April. Or if I wanted to go travel in Central America with him... The most recent development is... sit down and wait with that next sip of coffee - I may get the boy to come live with me here for 2-3 weeks [perfect opportunity for me to fine-tune my future business while playing] AND THEN BRING THE BOY BACK TO THE STATES AND STAY A LITTLE!!! Who knows what all this is going to lead to?! First and foremost to some income to yours truly again.... but also experience.... credibility here in the commune... really important networking... seeing my friend again... getting to experience her business - that looks much like what I am building towards... maybe even a mini-trip from Montana to Oregon???... OK... gotta stop dreaming and wait for reality information. But, now that you can drink coffee again... wanna also spend some time crossing your fingers for me?

Have I mentioned that Beefy has taken on the job to warm my butt while I write this? Teamwork par excellence!

What else?

It's snowing outside... a lot. I have started to park Trusty up at the road so I won't have to fret about driving up my driveway. It's a short one anyways... but, you know... I'd rather not have to be rescued more than once a day.

Becoming a redneck has never sounded this good to me... ;)

Oh, and Sweet Shoulders wants to meet up to ski with B and I on the weekend of week 12 (they ALWAYS count weeks here... wonder how they do it?!).

Oh, and I'll go to yoga for the first time on Monday. Not the first time ever... but the first time Up North. I sure hope the room will be heated well. Otherwise I'll have to bring Beefy to warm my butt while I... I'm in the triangle pose... (I bet he can pull it off somehow).



OK... all yoga-esque I'll take a deep breath now and slowly back away from the computer to let you - savor my news - and then go on with your day.

Thanks for your part in all this... and take care.

Wanted.... Me!!!!! :)

Dear Instincts That Guided Me Here:

Life is incredible.
Thank you for showing me a place where I can
do my part to spread what I believe in. I promise I will do
my very best.

I'll keep the Beef happy, too.

Best regards,

Marlies


+++


Yup, that's what it feels like since I arrived "Up North".

+++

There's a sweetness to the struggle I experience as I type this... I don't know where to start... so many loose ends to tuck in. Now the desire to share and describe is tugging... I guess I'll just let it flow and see what happens... :)

Snowmobiling... an odd start for a fan of human-powered adventures. And... I had such a blast yesterday "blasting" my machine through wild lands in Central Sweden... always following the track of Mr. Moose. I remember pondering the term boy-toy... does it even exist? Either way - I sincerely enjoyed getting a grip on a powerful machine, racing through snow, failing momentarily, and mostly just being completely awed by the stark beauty of the landscape that we traveled through... I already knew this and yet it was powerful to experience it up close and personal: The wild landscape that I soon get to call my home is the ideal place for a program utilizing nature as its greatest influence.

Mr. Moose with the machines...

Heart tuggins... That's what the reindeer do to me. They tug on my heartstrings. (Wait, what's a heart string?) I wanna live in a place where I happen across these guys at random several times a day (this time of year that is). Not only because B's body is shaking like an aspen leaf in a strong breeze, but also because they sweetly remind me that the world still holds a lot of magic. (Yes, I'll turn in a total cheese ball up here, that much is clear!).

Heartstrings tugger.

Ivan, Inez, and Isa. This sweet little crew is killing me. They're gorgeous, gentle, and inspiring creatures that love human company. And no, not exclusively so when one approaches with bananas or twigs (although they surely love those moments). They actually join you on walks along their fence!! Visualize: Mr. Moose, Yours Truly, Rheuben (Mr. M's huge Rhodesian Ridgeback), and Beefy walking the fence on the outside.... with Inez, Isa, and Ivan frolicking along inside. It's a rush and a blessing at the same time. Once Ivan looses his antlers one can do the same inside the fence... Once I am back here I'll spend some quality time taking real good pics of them. This time around even I was too mesmerized to take the time in doing so. Can you believe it?

While that's all exciting... here's the real stuff:

I've had the pleasure of brainstorming and networking at Mr. Moose's side for the past week. Doing so I have enjoyed incredible views, inspiring conversations, and meeting wonderful people. As of right now I am committed to do the following:

Move Up North as pronto as I can (I'll keep calling it that despite Sveg being in Central Sweden... after all it's part of Norrland... and everything North of Stockholm is considered North by any Swede).

Create a livable scenario for Buford and I for the time between now and approximately May. (* see exciting opportunities below)

Start my own business on a small scale by May. Yup, you heard it right... I am finally going to let go of the chicken that I continue to house somewhere within me and do what I do best... Stop Waiting. I got a whole community standing behind me, funding just waiting for me, and youth with desperate needs.


* Now that I am invigorated with change and hope and excitement... my creativity is flowing over. This week I had several dialogues with important community members who are eager to support me in setting up my new life up here. A couple of days ago I met a guy who's responsible to give funds to desirable business ventures who basically told me that with my kinds of skills and ideas I'll get a 30,000 USD starter donation as soon as May 2010!!! Yesterday evening I met the responsible person of the social health sector (responsible for people struggling with addictions). We clicked and she gave me a big "thumbs up" for proceeding with my plan to create a temporary home for youth. She will inquire with the people in power if the community will pay me for doing mentoring work with youth between now and May. The idea here is to get me started in earning trust within the greater community, helping youth as soon as possible (there is NOTHING for them in place.. NOTHING!!), and getting me a little island to stand on. If this works out I would be hired for a 3-month period to meet 1:1 with maybe 6 youth on a regular basis to do anything from drinking coffee to going out backpacking (according to the youths interests and needs). Obviously that would also allow me access to much needed Swedish courses and getting a more thorough understanding of the place and its opportunities and challenges. All-the-while I could focus on applying for funds for my business to be... figure out location, business-y stuff, etc.

Today, feeling quite elated after last night... I searched the net some in regards to other initial opportunities for me and found in the process that this community is basically screaming for people like me to move here. They have free business courses for people up to 35 years old... and highlight that they are particularly interested in female entrepreneurs. When checking the local Arbetsformedlingen homepage, I found that there is a project going that entices people from the EU to move here. As a German passport holder, I fall into that category as well which makes me highly desirable for the area. (Which is were I got the brain fart of creating a Wanted Sign for this blogpost... - aka: Having a dog that needs walks and too much brain juices being activated).

Being the Go Getter I currently I am, I immediately went to the Arbetsformedlingen to set up an appointment. Sounds like those guys may even give me funds to keep alive between now and then. Crazy, huh? The thing is... all of Sweden is generally set up the same way. But when I attempted to take all the steps I am currently taking here back in the south... they only had frustrating results because the area is overflowing with all kinds of immigrants and the professional environment is significantly less suited for my kinds of skills. Hence, not moving here would be suicidal. Well,... you're getting my point, right?

So, Beefy and I are shifting back to Go Getter Style living.

We're stoked.. and we will do our best to keep you posted on our progress.

Love,

Me and B