Get (It) Out.

Another difficult day turned blissful.

I had my last meeting with the folks of the supposed Swedish Wilderness Therapy Program this morning. Amongst other things they finally said that they needed people right now who volunteer their time... I couldn't help but say: "That's what I have done the last five month!" --- But I am done now. We said goodbye with hugs. One of them put a 100 Krona bill on the table... "for the bus". I took it and bought myself some fresh veggies to feed my backcountry-food eating soul with some earthy root-y stuff.

My neighbor S's brother said later that I just experienced an extreme version of one of the Swedes' downfalls. It's called being PAINFULLY, UTTERLY NON-CONFRONTATIONAL AT ALL COST. Which can obviously turn into some giant gooey mess.

Shall I just call it part of my adventure...?

And with that taken care of, I am ready to turn my broken self into a new direction.

Buford just looked at me when I made it home and suggested a walk (OK, he always does that). After all we had noticed an area recently that we hadn't put our noses in deeply yet. I took the camera... the shots that frame this post are the result. Have I mentioned that I love to capture nature's beauty? It simply does not get old.

As I gazed around I felt some sadness at the thought of likely having to leave this environment. Then I remembered that I feel a strong connection to nature wherever. I have learned to see that beauty and it nurtures me in all kinds of natural environments: Monument Valley's red mesas, Colorado's peaks, Oregon's wild places, now Sweden (this is just within the last year). I won't have to live without that puddle of life. No matter where I end up. It will be right there. And should I forget, B will gladly remind me. Me feeding him isn't for free after all ;)

So, what now?
I talked with my father today. It's his birthday. He asked: "Why don't you just come home?" - We recently had started to breach the (for me) difficult subject of me getting some support. These tiptoe-y conversations are suddenly comforting to me. What if I took Beefy home to where I (used to) belong? It sure is beautiful there. Maybe it's time and I had to go via Sweden. Or maybe I am as confused as many US Americans who don't know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland... sillies! I gotta say that moving to a place where I can sell my qualities to potential employers or partners sounds awfully awesome. Why not?

I told my dad that I wanted to give myself some time. During our walk today I thought that it would be nice to take a month or so to get out all the applications I have been thinking of (contacting people from A to Z, e.g. Swiss representatives of youth organizations, contacts I have gathered that work all about Europe, authors, researchers, etc., etc.); while living in paradise. I just got internet access today, so I am set there, and I have food left to last about a month (most of it was imported backcountry-food from the US... good thinking it turns out), I am bound to the apartment for three months (yikes, but I have paid December)... so, really: Why not be in paradise, take long walks with the B everyday, contact any and all promising souls and organizations in Europe, create and shape my future community, and then... figure out a way to get there?

This photo touches my soft spot. It's so very B! So kind, gentle, soft, curious... (and of course he just came up to sniffle me a bit - and no, he doesn't do that all the time). Sweet pea.

OK, enough of that ;)


I am still super psyched about that German program working with youth 1:1. Should Beefy and I find a way to travel (hopefully with our possessions) down south, I certainly would want to stop there. The community sounded sweet. B is welcome. That, at the most basic, is what I am looking for.

It's kind of crazy to suddenly let go of (or at least consider to do so) the "gotta find a Swedish job to survive... can I empty trashcans for you?? PLEASE?"... and remember that I have tons to offer - in places where I can communicate. What a journey...!

So, equipped with my new internet mobile device, lots of time, lots of desire for meaningful work, and lots of connections and ideas I will likely spend rather extensive hours in front of this screen over the next few days.

Sounds exciting, no?



Maybe I'll see the light sometimes soon?

New Priority # 1 on the To-Do-List:

Ask myself: What am I afraid of?

Maybe it will give me some guidance in these days of whirlwinds...

Sometimes...

... loneliness hits and the tears don't stop.

Or is it desperation?

Or helplessness?

Or powerlessness?

Or gratitude...?

Whenever someone offers me time, money, food, or a service (teaching me a couple of words in Swedish, a ride to and fro, brainstorming, coffee, a little love for B, B-sitting, connections...) I am deeply touched.

Who let these crazies loose? (Part II)

Who let these crazies loose? (Part I)

Your Turn to Learn Svenska!

Look at this cool Swedish learning opportunity!

Anyone wanna be courageous and guess what these facial expressions mean in the comment section? It's your opportunity to be radical today!! Happy guessing/knowing!

(Good thing I invested in mjölk today!)

Today, I bought Milk and Dog Food.

After yesterday's mini-disaster (Buford having a food party while I was gone) I was forced to do some shopping today. I am trying to have 0.-- SEK days as often as I can. N graciously said that I shouldn't buy food while staying at their house... ever heard of such incredible friends? I have, but I am feeling incredibly grateful - after all I have just met these two this past summer.

Anyways, I decided to go buy some 'regular dog food' (not the expensive hippie kind) and a liter of milk. I counted my remaining change before leaving the house... approximately SEK 70. And a SEK 50 bill... that should do. While walking B along the now empty canal I thought that it may be wise to go by my bank to check how much will be left after I pay the upcoming months rent... just in case. Beefy needs food after all. (A small bag of the food I have bought so far costs SEK 288; so I wanted to know whether I could use my card or not in case my change wasn't enough).

I found milk for SEK 7.70 and 3 kg of Pedigree Adult Healthy Vitality for SEK 67.80 (the food mentioned above was a 4 kg bag... I must be spoiling my pooch!). So far, so god.

When it was my turn at the cashier I figured I should see if my coins were gonna pay for the splurge. Swedish stores have coin collectors in which one sticks their change. I smiled at the cashier and mumbled a "sorry" as I dumped my heavy contents of my poor wallet into the machine. I was nervous as I hadn't counted the exact amount I had. Slowly the coins got accepted... I anxiously stared at the display informing me of the value of my treasure... 66.50... 67.00.... 69.50.... 72.00... 74.50.... 75.00... 75.50... Yay! Unbelievable I had the EXACT amount of coins that I needed! I took that as a lucky sign. Beef and I walked home bushy tailed and smiley (respectively).

We stopped for him to relief himself at a green patch near the house. Yup, poop is still a bit soft. It probably will stay that way for a couple of days... new food without getting used to it does that to dogs. Well, we'll just have to get over that, right, Beefy? :)

Check Off the To-Do-List

Today I have done the following (and more but my brain is currently farting...):

Removed a tick from Buford's freckled chest (I'm in uproar about this as it is November and there should be no ticks!!).

Sticking with the B: Found that he has eaten all the food I brought on our vacation at N and N's house... that's a big overdose of four meals and snacks for about three days.

Called the folks in Germany about the sweetest job - spending 3 months with a youth and the B traveling Germany by foot, working on farms, building rafts, etc. The conversation went super well - they are totally interested in me and vice versa. Now: Where do I get the funds to visit them for an interview? Oh, yeah: Pray for them receiving a needy girl soon, cause they will call Beef and I and we may just have the job!! Sweetness.

Connected with a guy in England that offers Nature Travels to Sweden... he responded to my "employment opportunities available?" email within the hour. No jobs but a sweet connection and further idea to help me out of the valley of misery.

Applied for a job at a Swedish ski resort called Ramundberget. Sounds sweet (it's located at "the end of the road" - behind it, there is Norway's wild mountains); but they may have no openings, yet.

Walked the Beef twice in the sun... glorious. And took him out another five to make sure he's not shitting his overdose into the house.

Learned that my "bosses" want to meet me on Wednesday to discuss our future. Was told not to be hopeful but that they were "doing what they could".

Spoke Swedish for over two hours (while the Beef ate his food) at some really sweet neighbors. They only speak Swedish which is a plus for me. Just not for my brain which is now mush.

Talked with my dad on the phone twice. Once my mom emailed me at the same time without knowing about the already existent communication line at the time.

Chatted with several friends and gotten hints and clues about possible work connections. Thanks Pierre, Wolf, Nina, and Joel!

Emailed a stranger (friend of a friend) to ask about job ideas. And, got an answer... isn't networking cool? No actual job offer yet though, but support and good juju.

Gotten another number of a local that may be a future business partner type person for me... and called. Will call again Monday when he's not at his brother's birthday party.

Set up an excel sheet listing my many job applications and inquiries. Updated it throughout the day as needed.

Started to translate my resume back into a German version. That, I tell you, is painful.

Created a "HOPE"-folder on Firefox to stick all the possible employment places into it... that folder now holds a whopping 39 opportunities!

Decided that I'll stay at N & N's till Monday and organized a ride back home.

Opened the house to N's brother and baby to have them rest on their way traveling through... = Buford playing with a toddler, me getting more beta on jobs (resulted in Ramundberget application).


And finally, wrote this blog en-t-r-y... snoooooooooooze. Now!

Cores.

This beautiful creature is a core-hog. Yesterday as we were walking along the canal I picked a couple of apples for a snack from an apple tree we have utilized before (for yogurt with fresh apples and muesli that is... or fresh apple pancakes). One of them had a couple of blemishes so I ate only half of it. Then I threw it on the side of the path - which, I figured, is totally acceptable in a place where apple trees are living as they were native. B heard the 'plongg' and immediately went to investigate the "rabbit". He took a while. I didn't pay attention to him and wandered on. A bit later he shot by me. I probably could have noticed the spring in his step and the parade position he may have utilized to show his pride. Cause when I caught a closer look at him I saw that he had dutifully picked up my apple core and was now giving it a ride... in his fangs.

This morning I found a pear hanging on a tree on the side of N and N's house (where we are staying currently). I picked it with delight and turned it into fresh pear-yogurt-and-muesli. That's what I am currently eating. B looked at me expectantly as I cut the pear. Because he doesn't actually eat the apple cores - and because I obviously never feed him human food... who? me? - I hesitated for a second... then I put the pear core pieces into his bowl. He devoured them. (He also LOVES carrots.) What a good morning for the two of us, huh? And now: Networking, job-seeking, researching... yahoooo!

Buford is on a Rabbit Trip.

Lucky little Beef-ster chased another rabbit today. We walked right up to it - once more. Split-seconds later, the two furry ones literally flew down the gravel road, slithered, skipped, slipped sideways on a bridge that was covered with some metal sheets and then ran off. Surprisingly in a strait line... and I thought rabbits did some zigzagging maneuver? Once again, Buford made it back to me under the 5 minute mark... heavily panting, with some slobber hanging of his chops, and a grin on his face. No sign of blood though. We may have to do something about his new sport, no?

I got an email back from that German dream job I wrote about. They're interested in interviewing me in person. I'll call them tomorrow and see if we can figure something out that will work for both sides. As you may have gathered I cannot afford getting myself to central Germany just for an interview. Of course I would love (LOVE) to see their main place. The guy wrote that Buford would be most welcome to be part of the experience :). The program already has two dogs, two goats, and some chicken "on staff". That sounds like our kind of place. Better make sure that Beefy doesn't chase chicken... may have to talk to him about the ways that his instinct may affect our future. I wonder too, though: Would he bring me the rabbit if he got it? He has done that with a squirrel before... If so I, I mean we, could eat rabbit for a while. Hmmmm..., I may still underestimate that canine companion of mine.

Tomorrow will be filled with phone calls all over Europe. Today I prepared by searching the net for all kinds of jobs that could fix our issues. Fascinating stuff, by the way. Next it's my turn to go on a "rabbit trip" of sorts.

PS: I trust that my entries will get less crazy once my life slows down. Bear with me in the meanwhile, will ya?

Online and Inspired.

I got energy flowing. Beef and I went on - what turned out to be a four-hour hike. It was loads of fun. Particularly when we walked right up to a rabbit.... man, those two were fast. It took B four (4!!) minutes to come back to me. That's the longest he ever left me for in exchange for running after another being... Now he's snoozing it off behind me. Innocently dreaming of his next big adventure.

And then, imagine this: I went to my neighbor to finally invite her to my place for coffee (I have spent the last week's worth of afternoons over at her place chatting and drinking coffee), and guess what she did? She guided me into her kitchen and gave me a little fruit basket - "for your new apartment" - and started to feverishly search through her freezer. She found frozen bread and hot dogs which she gave me graciously. Then she got out some chocolate from her cupboard and smiled at me and said she was happy to help. She also invited me for dinner tonight. And agreed to have coffee at my place. My heart about melted... I have craved meat recently and my creative diet (due to fewer and fewer ingredients and my desire to spend no money whatsoever) lacked bread, flower, and mostly fresh fruit. (Ahem, yes, I do accept donations.)

And now this: I just got off the phone with N. You know, of N and N, my best Swedish friends. He sent me a Facebook note saying he may have a business idea that would get me fully employed and well paid in no time. And that my skills were needed. Huh? Of course I called. He's incredible. And, best of all: He's a business man and in touch with reality. And a human. We need more of those... :) - The bestest of all is this: I love his idea. I mean, LOVE his idea. It's fully congruent with my values. It's human. It's intercultural. It's healthy. It's sustainable. For me and others.

Here it comes: He thinks we could create a temporary home for teenage refugees from other countries (i.e. Somalia, Afghanistan are the most needy here in Sweden currently), offering them a group home while teaching them skills (such as Swedish, gardening, wilderness, interpersonal, as well as general life skills in a Swedish environment) with a staff team that understands Sweden but also the culture we would focus on (e.g. have an Afghan on staff should we focus on Afghan kids, etc.). Sweden's communes apparently have significant problems with those kids currently, as they don't have enough foster families they can place them into. We couldn't quite offer them a family, but we could offer them things that a family cannot. Isn't that inspiring? Fascinating? Unbelievable?

So now, we're gonna do some legwork and research what the different communes are looking for, whether or not we can fulfill those expectations, and if the whole thing is financially sustainable. He thinks it looks like it would be.

I know I ask you to cross your fingers quite often... but, could you do some more of that, please?

Yup. A Fighter.

This was written yesterday... sux when there isn't internet and I need it.

… and started I have!!

I have changed my whole outlook on my situation here. I have remembered my skills. I have found new energy and courage. I am alive again.

I spent all of yesterday and the day before figuring out how to proceed with “my job” here. I listed things that I am good at (ahhhh… that list is long), things that I need, things that I don’t like, etc. Yesterday I morphed all of that in a 4-page letter that I then emailed to “my bosses”. It includes the request of them making a decision on whether to hire me or not. They got time till the 25^th of November. If they enter my agreement they have to either pay me a Swedish student’s existenzminimum, help me earn it (aka be very involved in my local job search), or pay the difference starting December till they are a business. Once they are a business I will want a salary that we agree upon before November 25^th. I am OK with it looking less high than what it really should as long as there is part of the contract that ensures that I will get what I deserve once they are able to offer that to me. Additionally, I want to receive Swedish lessons the whole time as I am only worth half of me if I cannot communicate (including listening) to what my co-workers and clients will say. If this is too much asked for them that means that I am in the wrong place. Well, maybe not the wrong place, but putting my energy and courage in the wrong endeavor. If so, I will live. However, I will stick my worthy energy into realizing my own business idea of being a consultant/teacher/guide of sorts (see last post). I actually even consider doing that anyways and simply considering this Swedish job as my first gig. Man, shifting expectations can be so powerful!! Yay to my spirit that has been awaken once again. Naturally, N and N were once again an important part of this most recent development as was my lovely neighbor S who let me use her internet to shoot off the letter. I love community. One of the Ns made sure that I put the existenzminimum into the email instead of the amount I had calculated to be the least I needed. There was a difference of SEK 1500 (equaling over USD 200)! In my world of eating old camping food and dehydrated milk that is an incredible amount of money.

I did other important stuff yesterday…. Like putting the bindings on my telemark skis and snowboard. And hanging up more of my photos in my home. And taking a couple good hikes with the B. He’s been the most amazing cuddler and playmate recently. We fight over his squeaky toy a lot. It’s so much fun! In that process I also got headbonked by him. Hard. I get now that his head is at least five hundred times harder than mine. I have a sore spot on my left eyebrow. I treasure it.

Yup, all is well in my world. I am supposed to hang out with P later. On a friend level not a business level. That distinction becomes more and more important to me. We are going to drink tea and hopefully take the B for his second walk. Then I plan on a third (but first real) hike. P will deposit us far away from home and we will come back. Now that’s what I call fun! And then I will head to the library to morph this post onto the blog and do research on jobs European-wide. Another good day in the making…!

What if...

This is what I wrote two days ago, late at night. I wanted to publish it, but my elusive wireless decided that I couldn’t.

What if…

… I was really courageous and lived my dream? What would that look like?

It would look something like this:

I would be self-employed and travel Europe in a bus with Buford. We would work for intensive projects here and there that we believe in – focused around youth and their families, sustainability, nature, creativity, expression, and development. We would continue to learn about people and their cultures, the environment, ourselves, and the planet. We would share our experiences, energy, and knowledge through words, photography, and actions. We would focus on our physical and emotional health, authenticity, and connections with others and the environment.

That’s what I’ll work towards. Starting now.

I got everything I need to do that. Right here and now.

I feel free, strong, inspired, and thankful.

Later that Day.

I found beauty again today:

Beef and I took a new loop (out along the seashore, back along the road) and met a farmer. I had my second "Swedish Only" interaction. Those are short, smiley, and sweet. Yesterday I had one with a neighbor who owns a little dog.

There is hope.

I spent most of today on the internet. That is exciting as I usually don't have access, particularly not all day. I am in a new room of mine, called "The Office & Gear Shed". There are maps on the walls, one showing Oregon's wild places, one the Three Sisters Wilderness, and one my new environment here in Sweden. There are also a pair of telemark skis, two snowboards, a Buford resting place, and since N brought it, a tiny desk. Which officially makes it an office. Sweet. And miraculously that elusive internet I have used before has come and stayed. I am knocking on wood in between typing.

In addition to being outside I found inspiration on the wonderful world wide web today. There is an organization in Germany that is hiring people for a really sweet gig. I want that gig. I went ahead and applied. I also registered myself at Manpower.se, called a Thai Restaurant, and applied to be a Personal Assistant (helping someone with a disability live a better life by being with them - P made a contact for me). But I wanna tell you about the German gig. It's most fabulous.

The organization in question is looking for individuals who are interested to live with a youth for three months in the out-of-doors. The mentor/mentee team is expected to engage in activities such as hiking, biking, building and floating on a raft, canoe-touring, and/or mountaineering. They are also working in different places along the way, e.g. on a farm, in a woodshop, or something similar, usually with a focus on working with their hands. The mentor (that would be me) will be offered support in form of supervision, as well as curriculum to use when working with the youth. I WANT THAT JOB! The organization then continues the treatment of the youth by having them live with a mentor for the next three months or longer. The initial time in the out-of-doors is used to assess what needs the youth has and how they can be accommodated. I LOVE IT.

Spontaneous as I am - when I am not depressed - I wrote an application right then and there. Unfortunately it is Friday afternoon, so I am unlikely to hear back from the guy very shortly. Monday at the earliest if I am really lucky. Man, I am basically made for that job. I had some questions for the guy, one of which was if I could bring Buford along if I was considered a fit. Please, everyone who reads this: Cross your fingers, or paws (do I have any dog readers?).

I am also in the process to write up a list of needs and criteria for the people I came here to work for. I have been more outspoken about my - increasingly dire - situation here. I am in the process of being even more outspoken with the help of N of my friend couple N & N. They are most wonderful. Both N's are also incredible business people, which comes in handy when one wants to start a business. My future bosses are no business people. N has helped me understand that I am the most committed within our team. However, my future depends on those hesitant, slightly scared people. That is no good.

I need a goal to be well. Right now those people have my goal in their hands. That is highly uncomfortable for a control freak & dreamer like me. I will increase my pressure upon them so that I can have a goal again. They may be part of it. Or not.

Beef will be part of whatever I do. He's currently offering me free therapy. Like tonight. I made dinner for both of us, and after he inhaled his he sat under the table cuddled against my feet. Once I was done I sat down to him and took a photo of us:

And then I shifted my legs and let him slide into a curled up position in between my legs. He rested his head on my right arm and nestled his paws onto and under my right leg. We breathed together for probably about fifteen minutes. Once in a while one of us sighed. It was beautiful.

Roller Coaster.

Still on the roller coaster.

Still wondering if things will work out.

Still looking for a job.

Still hoping for support.

Still touched by the B everyday.

Still lonely.

Still without health insurance.

Still with camping food in the cupboard.

Still hopeful.

Still needing closeness.

Still crying, sometimes in public.

Still talking to myself when I'm walking B.

Still understanding little when others talk.

Still frantically thinking of solutions.



Now with concerning-ly little money.

Now increasingly sad and angry.

Now starting to ask some difficult questions.

Now remembering some of my rights.

Am Alive... (and Trying to Be) Well.

Sigh.

My new home is sweet. The places around it totally incredible... lots of seashore, lots of forest, moss, snow flurries, sun sprinkles, wind gusts.

In the midst of all the beauty there are B and I. He is gentle, sometimes nudging, often patient, frolicking, panting, at times barking, always sweet and beautiful. I am overjoyed, thoughtful, silent, teary-eyed, lonely, rested, restful. My inner hermit is coming out again. And that feels wrong.

I am supposed to:

- Call people
- Meet people
- Go up to people
- Take chances
- Be courageous
- Branch out...

... and ALL those things sound hard to me.

Maybe tomorrow? Or the day after? How about next week? Wait, I gotta find a way to pay rent in January. Fuck.

It's really hard for me not to be able to connect with the people in my life that I have. You know, the kind that doesn't speak Swedish. The folks that I am already close with. The first morning in my new home I thought I was incredibly lucky as my laptop caught some wireless signal from somewhere. That was only a half-a-day worth of luck, though. It has not come back since.

Now it's up to me to make it to the library to catch up on life. Which means 10 km of biking... not so bad, as long as the snow isn't covering the road. Walking 10 km just to check my email seems a bit more involved. I don't think I can afford getting internet at home. Not until I found a way to pay rent in January.

Which means I should do all the things above...

Hmmmm.