I'm trying to stop that. It's not helpful.
I don't really know what's going on... here's the objective (ha! whom am I kidding??) update:
Car: I'm in contact with a guy who will likely sell me his Volvo 245. I've test-driven it... I've overcome my reservations about some rust, and I love it's classy style. I also love that every Swede who hears about my intention of buying it says something like this: "... a Volvo? You're going to have NO problem getting it fixed for cheap if necessary"... or... "a Volvo? It's the most reliable vehicle you can get! Go for it!"... or... "some rust? Hey, that's normal... but the engine will run FOREVER!". So, now the seller just needs to get his shit together and fix the stuff he said he was gonna and.... let go of my car. He's a human though who has his dad in the ICU due to a stroke and as a result is insanely busy and keeps postponing the deal. Cannot wait to get started on cleaning it out and readying it for the trip Up North! (Well, at least I cannot wait to lay my hands onto my hopefully-soon-acquired freedom-bil!!).
House: I keep hearing funny stuff about my future house. Like, apparently there is a motorcycle in the bathtub... or was it a shower? Anywho, it sounds like I will get to put some work in "making it mine" (=cleaning and cozying it up). But that's the funnest part anyways, no? I totally daydream about arriving up there... and becoming a part of a comedy of sorts. What I envision is me arriving and there being no... driveway... cause as a house-renter one probably has to do ones own shoveling and stuff, huh? Particularly if there isn't another house on the road (which is very likely). Next up, burying a way into the house and then checking if there is any wood and/or electricity. Mr. Moose actually told me that he was going to have people clean it up a bit and put lights and carpets in (am not a carpet fan but am letting them do what they want... I can always move stuff, right? There may be a good reason for carpet...). He also offered to make a snowmobile track between our houses so that Beefy and I can go visit the moose without troubles.... is this his way of telling me that I am now moose responsible?? OK with me. So, long story short: I think it will be fun to make it there and start to figure these things out... and still, something is keeping me stalling instead of shoving me towards the leap...
Job: In the meanwhile I have attempted to make some connections Up There... turns out that I really need to be there to make any movement. But I have sent an email to some role models of mine that are looking for a co-editor for a book in International Adventure Therapy. I didn't really apply... mostly just let them know that I exist. Cause, you know... I would die to be part of a community that develops this field internationally. Would be nice to not be so isolated in that task. By the way, Yxbacken and the refugee application have been quite the disappointment. I never even heard back of the refugee place (which is truly shocking to me) and have gotten really lame interactions from Yxbacken. Thinking about that stuff I am getting really eager to leap.
I'm also going to be on German TV in a good week. Prime-time Wednesday evenings for quite a few weeks. Kinda crazy... I am going back and forth being really excited about it and scared shitless.
Overall I can say that I am feeling encouraged in my decision to move closer into the wild. A large part of me is needing that kind of environment and I am getting positive signals from all over about the move. I really just need to do it, huh?
Friends: I've been thinking a lot about friends recently. I have lost friends before... and it just happened again. In part due to my decision making. I hate it when it feels as if I cannot offer myself integrity and keep friends. I guess with healthy friends it should be possible. Sorry to be somewhat cryptic, but I don't know how to do it better. Fact is that I have few people in my Swedish environment that I consider friends, which, on occasion leads to me feeling lonely. You cannot imagine how much I long to have a catch up with a friend that I have known more than a few months. I long to "let go" of my burden of being here the way I am. Moving away from the South hurts a bit cause I have found a few people here that are important to me or are in the process of getting there. Obviously there are more where I am headed. I guess I just wanna acknowledge that my adventures have tough sides to them as well.
Dating: I'm dating Swedes. Yup, that's right... Swedes... not "a Swede". I'm finally "getting out there". And it's surprisingly easy, and fun, and empowering. Love how it shifts my attention from being hilariously professional 24/7 to being more playful. Plus I have never really been one to date and play. Now I am. Kinda overnight (no pun intended here ;)...). It's totally beneficial cause I get to connect with different people and learn about my new country. And it's much more fun when ONE date doesn't mean either heaven or hell. Pssst! ... am still in contact with Sweet Shoulders by the way. He's the sweetest so far. Kinda wish the future distance was smaller.
Buford: B is the best. I cannot even fathom to do this by myself. (This = everything). He's my anchor, my tickle, my sun, my breeze, my laughter, my soul, my tears... Bringing him into my life continues to be the single best thing I have done. Period. It will feel awesome to conquer the world with him in our freedom-bil. We're both tired today... took a 11 km walk earlier. It was glorious.
Now.... could I please get my car and move on?
I think that would help.
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